Sunday, May 02, 2004

Brad Pitt says, "I'm hung like a hamster". He lied. (With pic)


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It is the morning of May 3rd, and the only major league baseball team seven games above .500 is - (drumroll) - the Texas Rangers! And the White Sox and Padres are right behind, six games over!


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Today's most exciting story in Norway: Norwegian Polar Institute names new cabinet position - Polar Bear Researcher. Armed with a Ph.D., his job will be to count the number of polar bears. Without that info, the Norwegian government would collapse. "Twenty six, twenty seven ... oh, drittsekk, I think I already counted that one. Start again."


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McDonald's manager agrees to a pay cut, becomes President of Panama . He announced that he'll stimulate the economy by plus-selling to Panama's illegal drug traffickers. They will be asked if they want weapons to go with that. His assistant manager now has to choose between managing the MickeyD's or the Presidency of Estonia.


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Police seize Michael Jackson's underpants. Wedgie!


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The gossipy A List weighs in on Hollywood personalities. Featuring the stars of Van Helsing:
  • "Beckinsale, Kate. Has a penchant for setside squabbling. 'Cold fish. Tremendous amount of plastic surgery. Hates other women.' "
  • Jackman, Hugh. mmmmMM! Very nice guy, humble and faithful to his wife. (Although, sad to say, I'm hearing rumors that pre-marriage he was a bed-hopping slut. *sigh*) (I've also heard the opposite, which I'd much prefer to be true). Possibly a little too friendly with John Travolta. (NOOOO!) Current word in NYC is that Hugh is discreetly shagging his 24 year old male assistant, though I've had some Broadway types tell me that he's just queer-friendly and a fag-stag.



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Urban Legends Reference Pages: Did NHL tough guy Eric Lindros lose a bar fight to figure skater Elvis Stojko. Yup, right after Mini-me beat the crap out of Mike Tyson in the prelim.


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Weekly World News editors captured by space aliens, forced to suspend publication.


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eFilmCritic - EARL DITTMAN EXPOSED Film Criticism's Greatest Shame. "His blurbs included in the advertising of a movie generally indicate that the film has been resoundingly trashed by all others. And some of his video-box quotes are so obviously a work-for-hire deal that you can’t help but shake your head. His name is Earl Dittman, and in our humble opinion, his profession is 'whore'."
  • Both Laws of Attraction and New York Minute feature Dittman quotes in the advertising.


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Review of the week: Envy, as reviewed by The Filthy Critic: "Envy is billed as a comedy, and maybe it is. Maybe it's some new brand of comedy that has no jokes or humor or, I don't know, any reason to exist. This thing is one of the most carefully and patiently made turds I've seen since some asshole told my retard cousin Larry that shit-sculpture would be in this year's Special Olympics. I wish I could express to you how fucking awful Envy, but it takes more than words. It takes puppets, and the proper costumes, and a hell of a lot of lighter fluid."


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FilmJerk.com - The Early Report for May 2, 2004


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The French trailer for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.


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How many servers does Google use? At least 79,000, perhaps more than 100,000. Check out the amazing stats.


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Weekend Box Office. Mean Girls beat the other four new releases added together!
  • The golf movie bombed big-time. (One million total, less than $900 per screen).
  • The other three were in the 6-7 million range.
  • Mean Girls was a hit - 25 million total, almost $9000 per screen!
  • Man on Fire had an excellent second week, with only a 33% drop-off, indicating good word of mouth.
  • Kill Bill seems to have run out of steam.


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WOW! Here's a team I could root for! - The Texas Tech Women's Swim Team


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Height makes right. Kerry favored in presidential race by four inches.


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The steroid test results of all 1,200 Major League Baseball players from last season have been obtained by federal investigators after the players union reneged on an agreement during the BALCO probe.


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The World's Shortest Stuntman. The 4'2" stunt man mentions that he really looks up to Tom Cruise. Hell, he even looks up to Devito!


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Writers' DVD deal talks continue past expiration date. The dispute is over DVD profits. The writers want a cut. The studios say that the healthy profits from DVDs are necessary to make up for the poor economics of theatrical releasing.


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She's a Playmate and a Baywatch Babe. Playmate Gallery of Marliece Andrada, Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!


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Four free short videos from SPICE UNCENSORED!, the stuff too hot for Spice TV


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'Matrix' co-creator Larry Wachowski about to get a wangerectomy, become "Linda" Wachowski


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From the Independent: Antarctica is likely to be the world's only habitable continent by the end of this century if global warming remains unchecked according to the British Government's chief scientist, Professor Sir David King.


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Checkstand rage after woman brings 13 items into the "12 items or less" line


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Tinfoil hat department: Dick Cheney and his friends are using Drosnin's Double Top Secret Bible Codes. No, really, not the regular bible codes, but additional proprietary ones available only to Cheney. The ones they are using are not available in stores, ...


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Kerry Struggling to Find a Theme, Democrats Fear. So far, they are leaning toward "I'm a douchenozzle, but I'm not Bush, and I'm less of a douchenozzle than Nader", but other strategists feel their position needs to be more pithy.


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