Thursday, October 28, 2004

The future, Benjamin? Two words:Pet Helmets


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Actor David Hasselhoff stripped of his driver's license, ordered to alcohol rehab. Doesn't his car drive itself?


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Electoral College Calculus - the "worst case" scenarios


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The first look at the trailer for Racing Stripes. "Racing Stripes" is a Disneyesque tale of a baby zebra named Stripes who is accidentally abandoned by a traveling circus during a rainstorm. The helpless zebra foal is discovered by horse trainer Nolan Walsh, who rescues Stripes and takes him home to live with him and his young daughter on their modest Kentucky farm. Stripes and the daughter grow up together as best friends who share a similar ambition – both dream of racing in the prestigious Kentucky Open. With the help of his barnyard friends, Stripes must overcome prejudice and self-doubt to pursue his lifelong dream of running with the big horses and landing in the winner's circle.


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Urban legend: Photograph shows Senator John Kerry shaking hands with Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan. Status: Bullshit.


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President's Remarks to the Ebony Madonna Baptist Church, offering profound thanks for his 100% increase in support among "colored Americans".


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Courtney Love has been ordered to stand trial on a felony charge of assault with a deadly flashlight. Did she shine it an an albino?


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A lot a girls. I'm not sure how to describe this. Just go there and look, and the pictures are worth 10,000 words. Actually 10,007 words. Confucius lost count - seven beads fell off his abacus.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder what the lot b girls look like.

 

Apple - iPod - Ashlee Simpson Karaoke Edition


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O'Reilly settles - pays fair and balanced amount of extortion


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Man says live wire in bath was to save marriage. Hey, he's just trying to rekindle that old spark.


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The U.S. Department of Homeland Security sent two agents to a small toy store in a small town - to remove Magic Cubes from the shelves. Well, that makes it official. What you don't know is that was just the last step in the master strategy. Terrorism is now defeated completely.


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A Brazilian legislator wants to make it illegal to give pets names that are common among people. For example, nothing with Snoop or Dogg in the name.


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Britney Spears 'Not Pregnant'. More important - she will release topless pics next month!!


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BUSH ADMITS LIP-SYNCHING TO TAPE OF CHENEY. Acid Reflux Blamed


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We regret to announce that Mr Arafat is not able to appear in tonight's performance. The parts of Gargamel and Papa Smurf will be played by Red Foxx.


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Anne Coulter attends Woodstock 3, prepares to deal with gentle hippies.


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Here's one for correspondent DB, our specialist in Naked Opera.


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Best-picture Oscar picture is fuzzy this year. I was disappointed to read this article and discover that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the best movie I've seen this year by a factor of about three, has already been forgotten.


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For your reference, here are all the 2004 films with 90% positive reviews or better.


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Rasmussen's Electoral College projections. Their only change today: Hawaii out of the "leans Kerry" column and into "undecided".


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Baseball fans - SABR's Bill Gilbert takes his comprehensive annual look at the baseball players who achieve "Triple Milestones" (.300- 30 HR - 100 RBI).


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The Smoking Gun has the goods on Principal Rooney and his sexual abuse lawsuit. (He has already pled nolo contendere to criminal charges relating to the same incidents.)


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Electoral-vote.com's daily changes are split in value. They have placed Ohio in the Kerry column, but have inducted Michigan into the neutral club. They are currently calling it 260-254 Kerry, rest undecided. (270 needed to win)


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The preview trailer for next summer's Chicken Little. This will probably be the second best movie with "Chicken" in the title featuring Don Knotts. Good to see Don back from his Berry Farm and various TV films and working in real movies again, if only as a voice. The peculiar little feller turned 80 in July. This will be his first theatrical release since 1998's offbeat semi-classic, Pleasantville.


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Some stills from Beauty Shop, which is kind of a spin-off from Barbershop.


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New stills from Romance and Cigarettes, which sounds from the description to be kind of a contemporary version of Pennies From Heaven. (It's a working class lip-synch musical.) The cast, however, is impressive and eclectic: James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Kate Winslet, Mandy Moore, Mary-Louise Parker, Christopher Walken, Aida Turturro, Bobby Cannavale.


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New stills from Art School Confidential, which seems to have great potential for suckage.


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New stills from the Steve Martin (slash) Kevin Kline remake of The Pink Panther.


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New stills of the remake of The Amityville Horror.


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New stills from Into the Blue, which means pics of Jessica Alba in skimpy clothing.


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New stills from Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty.


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Today's Fun House front page features a nice topless pic of Sienna Miller in Alfie. S-s-s-s-mokin'! (Literally)


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Halloween Quiz: What's Your Ghost Story I.Q.?


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"It is entirely possible that there has never been a more showy and shameless attempt at award importuning than Nicole Kidman's performance in Birth." I suppose the general sentiment is accurate, but the reviewer has apparently not seen Emma Thompson's deranged over-the-top hambone performance in "Angels in America".


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Will initials carved on the side of a tree always remain at about the same height?


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GALLUP: Bush Looks Solid in Florida; Iowa and Pennsylvania Still in Play. Gallup shows the President with a commanding eight point lead among likely voters in the Sunshine and Hanging Chad State. And that's gross, not net. Add in the vote fraud, he might win by 50.


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I've made fun of Japanese TV in the past, but I have to admit that any country that allows torturing cats on television is all right with me.


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Cher Song Dropped From Movie Soundtrack: "Cher's title song for the remake of 'Alfie' has reportedly been dropped after test audiences laughed at the track. That's ironic, because Cher sang the theme for the original 1966 movie." She took some time off to record that in middle of her farewell tour. In fact, when Edison heard the first recording of Mary Had a Little Lamb in 1877, it was actually a Cher album he picked up at a bathhouse in New Jersey, from the early stages of her farewell tour.


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OK, I was just kidding about Cher. She did not start her farewell tour until 1879. Here's Edison himself speaking the words to Mary Had a Little Lamb


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"Some Fear Ohio Will Be the Florida of 2004". Not to fear. Florida is still making the fullest efforts to remain the Florida of this and many elections to come.


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Must-see video: George Bush offers the one fingered victory salute


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The Sun says Britney Spears is preggers.


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Wow, life is good. Lots of jumbo-ass pictures of Anna Kournikova's booty.


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The Top 100 Albums of the 1990s


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The ten worst cover songs of all time.


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During surgery, Bill Clinton had visions of death, supersized French fries.
  • "I saw, like, dark masks crushing, like death masks being crushed, in series. Then I'd see these great circles of light. And then, like, Hillary's picture or Chelsea's face would appear on the light, and then they'd fly off into the dark."
  • I have to admit it's logical. Hillary's picture would probably scare off even the Grim Reaper. Especially if she was nude. From the rear. "Whoa, I ain't takin' this guy while he has these pictures. That shit's scary!"


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Daydream Le Beaver? The Chicago Tribune pulls an article called "You c_nt say that (or can you?)". Written by free-lancer Lisa Bertagnoli, it tunneled into the discussion of whether the C word is still a feared snapping turtle of a taboo, or is now a mere pussycat. The piece never used the offending word but, by providing rhyming words and thinking outside the box, it exposed twat they were talking about. The offending "Lifestyle" sections were snatched in time by the editors, who clammed up when called for a comment. Many readers found a gaping hole in their papers where the Lifestyle section should have been.


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A Sun-Times correspondence between the publisher and Roger Ebert.


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The Onion's Countdown To The Recount, 2004


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Red Sox Fans Who "Can Now Die Happy", All Die


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Nicole Kidman says that Baz Luhrmann's version of Alexander the Great will not be made.


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Does a movie review have any impact on the film's popularity?


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"My name is Alex, and I'm about to get my balls waxed" This is for real, I guess.


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Republicans Urge Minorities To Get Out And Vote Next Wednesday.


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"What kind of church passes out penis candy?" I don't know, but I'll bet Elton John has been known to play the organ there.


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Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village) will play the title role in the historical drama 'Mary Queen of Scots'


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Thora Birch and Harry Connick Jr. will star in 'Boomerang Deal', an Australian comedy about an unlikely couple that could easily fall in love if they only managed to get along.


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RealClear Politics - Polls Update. Today's update is not good for Kerry. RCP has moved Pennsylvania from Kerry Blue to Neutral White, based on the last four polls. Those four polls show Kerry barely hanging on to the state, with +3, +3, -2, and even.


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Jessica Simpson's husband, Nick Lachey, could be in hot water with his ditzy missus over published reports that he two-timed her with porn star Jessica Jaymes at a wild bachelor party.


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Weekly World News: FORGET ABOUT THE FACE ON MARS... NASA PROBE HAS SPOTTED THE BUTT ON MARS!


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Here is Eminem's controversial anti-Bush video.


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The trailer for Ring 2.


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The first-ever look at a trailer for Devil's Rejects, the sequel to House of 1000 Corpses. This one centers on a band of bounty hunters led by Sheriff Wydell's brother. The film will pick up shortly after the first film ended, with the Firefly clan going on the road after their house is burned down and a few family members have been gunned down during a police raid.


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COMEDY CENTRAL's preview of Drawn Together, the cartoon parody of reality shows.


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