Saturday, December 18, 2004

I have to save my money for a trip to Osaka to see The National Bunraku Theater. Unfortunately, Osaka is not on the coast, so I will not be able to see any really fresh octopus porn while I am there. The frozen octopus porn just isn't as good.


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Another tragic effect of the cooling of Canada. Many of the residents of Dildo have to escape the frigid temperatures by moving South. To South Dildo. When you're there, see the museum which displays artifacts from the sealing and whaling post at Dildo's Arm. Hey, I'm impressed that a village of 272 people has a museum! If you're interested, I checked the real estate prices in Dildo • Average price of a three-bedroom bungalow: $35,000 • Average rental cost of a house: $350 per month. I'm not kidding. Check it out here.



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FHM's 12 Honeys Of Christmas


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Letters From Bad Santa. We all know a someone who deserves only lumps of coal this holiday season -- friends, relatives, your S.O., co-workers, your boss ... Now you can have Santa send him or her a *personalized* letter to break the bad news!


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A Journal of Menstrual Blood Paintings


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Movie buffs choose Jar-Jar as the most annoying movie character in history. Mr Bean demanded a recount. (He only finished fourth.) I guess the great thing about Mr Bean, though, is his versatility. He's not only one of the ten most annoying movie characters of all time, but also one of the ten most annoying TV characters. As the omnipresent King of all Media, he's the Howard Stern of Annoyance.


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The 25 worst and most annoying newsmakers of the past year. Sigh. The winner for the year was my main man, William Hung.


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AmIAnnoying.com: Most and Least Annoying. Bernard Kerik came out of nowhere to steal the #1 spot from such perennial annoyances as Dick Cheney and Britney Spears. The fastest rising star is Ben Affleck, who gets more and more annoying each year. He was voted annoying by only 34% in 2001, but soared to 60% in 2002, and a stratospheric 70% in 2003! Did you know? .... Affleck made $7,000 for Chasing Amy and $12.5 million for Bounce.


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Who is the hottest baseball wife?


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Silent Bob and Luke Skywalker are doing the pilot for a new weekly Star Wars series. "It'll feature Mark Hamill as Skywalker in a 'pop up now and then' role, but mostly, it's new characters, set in the same world as the films." Bonus: a picture of Jay and Silent Bob taken about a week ago.


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What could be more fun than Japanese Octopus porn? How about contemporary Polish shock-art? Today, the work of Zbigniew Libera. How about a Lego kit designed to build a concentration camp? He mocked up three of them to look like real LEGO sets, and sold them for $7,500 each. (Many pictures available at the link)


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And then there's Libera's Universal Placebo Suppository


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And, of course, Libera's greatest achievement, the Universal Penis Expander. Ya gotta see the picture of this guy's wang. Talk about a pocket fisherman! All he needs is bait.


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URL says it all: HiddenDoors.com


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Oakland A's trade their second ace in three days. (Mulder to the Cardinals for prospects today. Hudson to the Braves two days ago.)


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Box Office Mojo - Yearly Box Office for 2004, as of Friday. The surprises of the year?
  • (1) Obviously, Passion fo the Christ. Whoda thunk it, except Mel? He made a gazillion dollars on that movie. I suppose it is the most money one man has ever made on one film. He did it with his own capital, did not spend that much. He had already pocketed a hundred million dollars after the domestic run, and it did monster numbers overseas and on DVD. I suppose he will finish with about three hundred million more in his bank accounts from that one film - more than Barry Bonds made in his career!
  • Dodgeball. Surprise. You can make a buck by making a consistently funny movie.
  • The Day After Tomorrow and Fahrenheit 9/11. Well, we know there are some liberals with money to burn! DAT is a crap environmental disaster movie that made almost $200 million, and F911 is a pseudo-documentary political polemic that raked in $100 million. I suppose Michael Moore took second place behind Mel for the biggest profit of the year for a single individual. That movie must have cost him about fifty bucks to make from on-the-street interviews and stock newsreel footage. For you foreigners, I can summarize American politics in a two sentence nutshell. Liberals buy movie tickets. Conservatives buy elections.


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As predicted, Lemony Snicket opens in first place, but with only $10 million on Friday. (That compares to $14 million for Ocean's 12 last Friday.) All three new major new releases were disappointing, albeit at different levels of disappointment.
  • Snicket seems to be headed for a $30 million weekend, which is good, but would be about 30-40% below expectations.
  • Adam Sandler's Spanglish barely edged out Polar Express for third, although the latter is in its sixth weekend.
  • As expected, Flight of the Phoenix bombed completely. It finished only $100,000 ahead of Christmas with the Kranks, and could do no better than seventh place, despite being on 2600 screens.


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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this will take up more than the 15 minutes which Andy said my attention span will allow.Andy Warhol's Interview: 35 Years Of Pop in 7 volumes. I was looking for the weight of the thing. Seven volumes boxed together - all in hardcover - that could kill some postal employees.


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Chemical Ali, Saddam Hussein's most infamous hatchet man, starts the trial process. : "He was captured by US forces in August 2003 and is now facing trial at the Iraq Special Tribunal, where on Saturday he attended a hearing with an investigative judge in the presence of his lawyer. "


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The Hidden Terror of Christmas; or, Granny Go Home: "I'd like to take a .44 Magnum to the little drummer boy and pa-rump-a-bump-bump him full of lead. "


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The trailer for Ice Princess. Typical Disney offering aimed at the tween and young teen girl market. "The film follows a brainy ugly duckling (Trachtenberg) who realizes her dream of becoming a champion figure skater with the help of physics, a disgraced coach, three snooty ice princesses, a chorus of stage parents and the hunky boy who drives the Zamboni ice resurfacing machine."


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National Lampoon's Safe Christmas Toy Shopping Guide


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