Wednesday, February 02, 2005

God Hates Shrimp (And all other crustaceans). "When Jesus died for your sins he was wearing a crown of thorns, not a lobster bib"


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"Citizens Against Nude Juicebars and Pornography." They'll let you have one or the other, but not both.


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Man, they are really getting desperate with the guys who are guarding Shaq


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Super Bowl Ads Bring Back Icons of Yore


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Most disgusting commercial ever?


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After a big meal, you have to wait a while before swimming. So how long after a jumbo burrito?


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MTV has the latest on King Kong


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Nikki Cox has broken off her engagement to Bobcat Goldthwait and is dating another totally unfunny (but much better looking) grade-B comic.


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Johnny Depp is the best autograph signer in showbiz, Britney Spears the worst.


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Robert De Niro - does he need a career intervention? (I guess you can argue that he no longer makes good movies, but he seems to be gold at the box lately - he's had two #1 movies in the past month.) "He's only making choices for the money," an exec says. "This is also known as Gene Hackman's disease."


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Paris is free to go. The Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office said Wednesday that it would not file charges against the celebutante for allegedly ripping off her own sex tape from a West Hollywood newsstand because of a "lack of sufficient evidence." (How could that be? There were eyewitnesses for sure, and earlier reports said the incident was captured on tape)


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Headline of the day goes to the Sacramento State Hornet: "Vagina candy sales benefit local groups." Sigh! I'm old enough to remember a day when vagina sales used to benefit us all globally instead of just some greedy local merchants.


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The Daily Show observes: "In Iraq, routine security patrols have become dangerously compromised by the power that is 'dance.'"


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Paula Abdul talks to Jon Stewart about security at both American Idol and the mall. Paula seems to have indulged in the open bar in the Green Room.


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The Daily Show's Samantha Bee talks about the privatization (or abolition) of Social Security.


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Star Trek: Enterprise has been cancelled.


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Catherine Zeta-Jones is in talks to star in (and may produce) Rachel's Holiday, an adaptation of the eponymous Marian Keyes novel which treats the problems of drug addiction and rehab.


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Sam Raimi talks about Spiderman 3.


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Jacinda Barrett will rempace Rachel McAdams as Zach Braff's co-star in 'The Last Kiss'. It is a remake of the 2001 Italian movie, L'Ultimo bacio.


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Nick Stahl and Claire Danes are definitely NOT in Terminator 4, and Governor Arnold may be out as well.


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Penis Hammered Off Baggage Handler Statue. "Trouble began as soon as Baggage Handler, a statue of a suitcase-toting naked man surrounded by luggage, was installed in a turnaround at the marina in this lakeside resort town."


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The trailer for Naked Fame
  • "At the age of 40, wildly successful gay adult film star Colton Ford decides to leave porn behind and to pursue his dream: music. He definitely has the talent, but can he successfully use his porn past to build up a new career as a singer-songwriter? Christopher Long's documentary, 'Naked Fame,' attempts to answer that question, following Colton and his life partner, fellow adult film star Blake Harper, as Colton moves from the film studio to the music recording studio. A fascinating look at the porn world and music industry from the initial conception of the first single to its recording and release, this documentary explores the intimate inner-workings of the music industry, capturing the intense emotional drama and struggles involved in the pursuit of stardom against the stigma of a porn star past."


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Some B-Roll footage from The Island
  • Michael Bay directs the futuristic action thriller with a top-notch cast (Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Sean Bean, and Steve Buscemi.)


    Lincoln Six-Echo (McGregor) is a resident of a seemingly utopian but contained facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this carefully controlled environment, Lincoln hopes to be chosen to go to the "The Island"—reportedly the last uncontaminated spot on the planet. But Lincoln soon discovers that everything about his existence is a lie. He and all of the other inhabitants of the facility are actually human clones whose only purpose is to provide "spare parts" for their original human counterparts. Realizing it is only a matter of time before he is "harvested," Lincoln makes a daring escape with a beautiful fellow resident named Jordan Two-Delta (Johansson). Relentlessly pursued by the forces of the sinister institute that once housed them, Lincoln and Jordan engage in a race for their lives to literally meet their makers.



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President Sends Congratulations to Radical Moderate Christine Todd Whitman on the Publication of Her New Book, Sour Grapes of a Marginalized Bimbo Nobody - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)


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Gwyneth Paltrow eats naked in front of a mirror, and other strange celebrity behaviors.


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Nicole Kidman has been honoured at the annual Skinnies Awards. No, she's not the skinniest chick in Hollywood. She has been cited for having the nicest fair skin.


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The top ten Arena Football teams after Week 1


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PlayStation 2: A dozen movie-based games that will probably suck.


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And the best fans in the NFL are ... (Hint: not Arizona)


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Rudy T is already fed up with the Lakers. (Phil Jackson is contemplating a return.)


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Women arrested for public nudity at a Kansas strip club. Not MUCH of a strip club, then, is it? In other news, a Kansas cheese shop owner was arrested for actually selling cheese.


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'Notting Hill' star Rhys Ifans reportedly turned down an offer from Jude Law and Sadie Frost to join their wife-swapping sessions, although he might have considered it if he could have slept with Sadie instead of Jude.


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Canadian scientists have unmasked a new steroid designed to avoid detection in standard drug tests.


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College hoopster sinks a winning 90 foot shot at the buzzer. (With video.)


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Wrestling icon Lex Luger was arrested and charged with DUI, driving on an expired tag, alteration of tag, no proof of insurance and open container. His girlfriend, wrestling icon "Miss Elizabeth", died at the home they shared in April 2003 from an overdose of pills and alcohol, and "Luger" was arrested then on drug charges.


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There are 4 sportswriters who have covered all 38 Super Bowls.


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The Angel Light can reportedly see through walls, as if there was no barrier at all.


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Shaune Bagwell, model and Jeff's ex, is selling advertising on her substantial cleavage.


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Dude, you're getting a dill! Remember Steven, The Dell Dude? He now does Gay theater -- opens tonight in The Joy Of Gay Sex -- (Shortened to "Joy") see his pic on the poster holding hands with another cast member.


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Betting odds on the Oscars.. These are not "for fun". This is an offshore betting site, and they are actually offering these live odds.
  • The key trend they are reflecting is a loss of luster for "Sideways." They have now installed Morgan Freeman as a favorite over Thomas Haden Church, and Cate Blanchett as a favorite over Virginia Madsen. Madsen and Church, both from Sideways, have been touted as favorites by industry insiders.
  • Jamie Foxx is a prohibitive favorite to win the best actor statuette. (As well he should be! I wroteelsewhere, "If Jamie does not win the Oscar, the Academy should immediately be disbanded, and a new, more sensible organization should be built upon its ruins."). A winning one dollar bet on Jamie will get you only 14 cents profit!
  • Eastwood and Scorsese are in a dead heat for Best Director, which marks the first time they have stood at the same height.


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GALLUP: State of the Union Speeches Rarely Increase Presidential Support. Despite high hopes, presidential State of the Union addresses have rarely increased a president's public support. The only exception in history was Bill Clinton, who managed to deliver three SOTU speeches which increased his support by an amount greater than the sampling error. No other President has ever accomplished this even once in the quarter century since Gallup started tracking such things. President Bush's ratings were not improved by his three previous speeches, and were actually hurt by his controversial speech last year. The record for the worst impact? President Bush's father made a speech in 1990 that cost him 7 points! (But he was buoyed up by the current events of the time at an astronomical 80 level, and that was bound to decline no matter what he said.)


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What You'll Do for Valentine's Day. Based on a tracking survey of internet users aged 17 to 34, this is a projection of what you are most likely to do for Valentine's Day 2005.


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Sri Lanka Pledges $35M in Aid to U.S. Victims of Aniston-Pitt Catastrophe. Sri Lankan president Chandrika Kumaratunga today pledged economic relief to help the United States recover from the devastating effects of the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt break-up.


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Anti-Bush celebrities were the deciding factor - in getting him re-elected! r


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USA TODAY picks ten movies with bad endings.


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USA TODAY picks 25 movies with great endings.


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The trailer for The Ballad of Jack and Rose. Wacky, fun-loving Daniel Day-Lewis plays a dying man with an insane daughter, so you know that promises plenty of light-hearted fun.


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A script review of the Carlito's Way prequel


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JoBlo's Sundance Wrap-Up!!


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In a surprise move, Randy Quaid has been cast as the new James Bond. Quaid noted that the character was not so very different from Cousin Eddie. OK, I lied. The story actually says that no decision has been made yet. So you Gilbert Gottfried fans - your guy is still in the running.


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From, our "aawwwwwwwwwww" department, which usually only covers cute baby animals. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are dating - each other!!' Oh, brother!


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Weekly World News: "REJECTED TV PILOTS.
Nine awful shows you're lucky you'll never see!"
Incredibly politically incorrect, but pretty goddamned funny!
  • "Bad guys can't kill New York's first zombie cop -- because he's already dead," is how the show is described in PR materials. But TV execs deepsixed "McMaggot."


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From our "the future ain't what it used to be" department. Sex And The Yogi. Baseball legend Yogi Berra is suing TBS over the promotional campaign for Sex and the City. Yogi has found that nobody sues any more because the docket is too crowded. While you think of it, check out Yogi Berra Yogi-isms from his official site.


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This week's movies - The Weekend Warrior expects Boogeyman to take the #1 spot, with about $18m on 2700 screens. The other new release is a chick-flick named The Wedding Date, which is only in 1500 theaters, and for which expectations are modest.


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This week's movies. The Wedding Date - all reviews negative so far
  • "Some films are ripped from the headlines, others are ripped from the pages of Cosmopolitan."
  • "You know how some movies just ring so utterly true that they defy your expectations and take a predictable genre to new and unexpected places? This is not one of those movies."


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This week's movies: Boogeyman - no advance reviews.


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Borowitz: FOX NEWS BUYS AL-JAZEERA. "Hannity and Hussein" Among New Network's Programs.
  • Television insiders were taken aback that the network whose motto is “We Report – You Decide,” would acquire a broadcast entity whose slogan is “Death to the Infidels.” But according to Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox parent company News Corporation, the merger was a natural because, in his words, “We took a look at their format and realized that it was almost identical to ours.”


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