Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Borowitz: SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN INDONESIA HAS NO EFFECT ON SCHIAVO CASE
Networks Explain Decision to Stay in Florida


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The Venus de Milo had better wear a top and Michelangelo's David should put on some pants if they're going to be seen in Indiana.


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I don't know if Gymkata is the worst movie ever made, but it certainly belongs on the short list.


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106-Year-Old woman lies about her age. Oh, that Joan Rivers! What a character! With all the work she's had, nobody thinks of her as 106 anyway. She doesn't look a day over 95.


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Andres Galarraga finally retires. 399 homers, despite two battles with cancer. Galarraga is one of the few modern players to win all three parts of the triple crown, albeit in different seasons. When I worked in Venezuela, I found that The Big Cat was the most popular man in the country, and a 3 for 5 day could make the front page in Caracas!


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Charles Webb has written a sequel to The Graduate.


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Weekly World News: "HOW TO SCORE WITH HOT BABES AT THE SUPERMARKET!" Their source is a book by ... er ... Rod Forqeuwe.


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Remarks by First Lady Mrs. George W. Bush Explaining the Importance of That Reading and Education Stuff to Afghanish Girls Attending Kabul University - (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)


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Now THIS guy is a sensei!!


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Armed robber steals a bag full of dog poop, and tries to shoot the dog, but his gun misfires.


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Conan says "Happy Birthday" to Chuck Norris.


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A third clip from Sahara, the Raiders-like adventure with Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey.


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Five clips from Dust to Glory, the documentary about the Baja 1000.


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Nine clips from Fever Pitch, the Farrelly movie about a fanatical Red Sox fan (Jimmy Fallon) and his new love (Drew Barrymore).


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The trailer for State Property 2: Philly Streets, the tale of three notorious gangsters, and their bloody battle for supremacy in the City of Brotherly Love.


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The trailee for A State of Mind
  • Following on from the 2002 RTS award winning documentary "The Game of Their Lives," VeryMuchSo productions were granted permission from the North Korean film authorities to make a second documentary. An observational film following two young gymnasts and their families for over eight months in the lead up to the Mass Games- involving a cast of thousands in a choreographed socialist realism spectacular- the biggest and most elaborate human performance on earth. The film provides a rare glimpse into what is one of the world's least open societies. North Korea is sealed off from outside influences. It borders China and Russia to the north, and to the south there is a 4km wide impenetrable border with South Korea. The country follows its own communist ideals, a strict philosophy known as the Juche Idea wrapped around the worship of the Kim dynasty, Kim II Sung, their Eternal President who died in 1994 but remains Head of State, and his son and noted wingnut, Kim Jong Il.


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Joan Kennedy found passed out in a Boston street. And - what are the odds - she passed out in a spot where Ted had never fallen!


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Vatican doctors put pope on feeding tube.


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Barbie To Take Girls On Tour Of 1960s, '70s. "Mattel is getting together with Golden Books to launch the 'Barbie Diary of the Decade' series. The Washington Post says the first two books focus on 1964 and 1976. The '60s diary has Barbie hosting a Beatles party the first night they appear on the 'Ed Sullivan Show.' Barbie also learns about the Civil Rights Act with her African-American friend, Christie." And the great thing about Barbie? She has the right outfit for any Civil Right!


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An accused drunk driver tried but failed to foil a police breathalyser after stuffing his mouth full of shit. "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that."


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The Straight Dope: Is it true "W" can be used as a vowel?
  • Speakers of French and Russian and other languages think that the English "W" is ALWAYS a vowel, or at least a dipthong. What we think of as the W consonant sound is a dipthong in those languages, represented by "ou". English "We" - French "Oui"
  • By the way, you can always tell if an actor has not done his preparation when he assays a Russian accent and says preposterous things like "inwincible". This is the official Chekhov accent from Star Trek, and it makes no sense at all. The question is this - why would Russians, who have no w sound in their own language, start to add unnecessary w's when they speak another language? The answer is that they would not. The woman I live with and her family are Russians, some of them recent immigrants, amd they have no problem at all pronouncing "invincible". Why should they? They have a v sound which sounds just like ours. Where they have a problem is with words like "wallet", which they call a "vallet" because they can't picture a "w" sound.


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BBC tells everyone to suck it, rejects 'Jerry Springer' Complaints. I am in 100% support of their decision, but I'm not sure I buy this rationale: "'In all the circumstances, the outstanding artistic significance of the program outweighed the offence which it caused to some viewers, and so the broadcasting of the program was justified.'" The "outstanding artistic significance" of an opera about the Jerry Springer show? Give me a break. It sounds like they are talking about a justification for not covering the penis on Michelangelo's David. Sometimes American English and standard UK English can be a little different, so let me translate it into American for you. What the BBC really meant to says is this: "We're not gonna let a bunch of fundie buttbonnets tell us what we can and can't broadcast. If you don't like this kind of crap, just use your remote, which allows you a choice between 'change channel' and 'power off.'"


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The Weekend Warrior looks at April 1-3. He thinks Sin City will dominate the weekend, with Costner's The Upside of Anger making a pretty good niche showing on 1000 screens. The prediction most surprising to me is that he only expects Guess Who to drop 8% from last week.


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US Patent 6,751,348 B2 - Automated detection of pornographic images. This is not a National Lampoon article, although it certainly looks like one, but an actual page from the Patent Office's website.


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First cousins who were denied a marriage license by a Pennsylvania judge earlier this month were wed in a civil ceremony in Maryland


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The Wit and Wisdom of Taco Bell Condiment Packets


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GALLUP: Bush's Approval Rating in Perspective
  • "George W. Bush's current job approval rating is the lowest of his presidency, though there are some silver linings. On the plus side, the 45% rating is still relatively high compared with most other presidents' low points. Also, Bush's average approval rating as president remains among the highest Gallup has measured for presidents since Harry Truman. The downside -- in addition to being the lowest public support of his presidency -- is that other two-term presidents had much higher approval ratings than Bush at similar stages in their second terms."


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This week's movies: Beauty Shop - 35% positive reviews. (Will be on about 3000 screens, whether you like it or not)


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This week's movies: Look at Me - 94% positive reviews. Sensitive French movie in arthouse distribution.


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This week's films: Sin City - 75% positive reviews


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M. Night Shyamalan casts Lady in the Water. The director will cast Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard in the lead roles. Giamatti would play a building super who finds a sea nymph in his apartment building's pool. Howard would play the sea nymph.


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You Got Own3d: "Great compilation of ownage videos from the past year or two."


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Singer Brooke Hogan is the daughter of wrestling's legendary Hulkster. (Which is amazing when you realize that his real last name is not Hogan!!)


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Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Airlines Are Cutting Back"


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Impressive new trailer for Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects. The trailer itself is a pretty good little short film.


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Best of the NBA Dunk Contest: J-Rich in 2003 and 2004 as well as MJ's foul line special.


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Fascinating stuff for history buffs: "A disused Japanese jail on a remote Pacific island is to be excavated in an effort to find the grave of US aviator Amelia Earhart"


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Paul Hester, the drummer from popular 1980s Australian rock band Crowded House, hanged himself in a park in southern Australia


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Borowitz: MANDELA SAYS: MICHAEL JACKSON GIVES ME STRENGH. The King of Pop is a source of inspiration, says the former South African President.


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VH1 has selected seven new has-beens to try to revive their careers on "The Surreal Life" including baseball fink Jose Canseco, and the famed reality villainess Omarosa.


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Orlando Bloom is set to play a young James Bond in a prequel to the long-running series.


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Liam Gallagher has received the top prize in Nuts magazine's 'man boobs' awards.


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Hilary Swank appeal denied - she did da crime, she gotta go da time. The orange-smuggling fiend will have to pay about $200. Since she was known to have committed the infraction and neither she nor any lawyers were present at the hearing, nobody is quite sure why the hell she was appealing in the first place. I guess she thought she would get the movie star waiver.


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Whatever, dude. Catherine Zeta Jones says she agreed to reprise her role as Elena in The Legend Of Zorro - because she loves fencing.


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Williams sisters of tennis fame to star in US reality TV show.


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Today in Uncle Scoopy's Guest House: Natalie Portman in Closer.


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