Sunday, September 18, 2005

Our cheerleader expert should be ecstatic. His Carolina Panthers stun the mighty Patriots.


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What the hell is this? Peyton Manning has pretty much the worst game of his life - but the Colts win with D!


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Can the Vikings really be this bad?


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Atom Egoyan tells Roger Ebert about his recent battle with the MPAA.
  • “What disturbed and confused me was that in addition to the 10-member board, there were two other people in the room. I asked who they were. They were clergymen, one Catholic, one Episcopalian. I asked why they were there and didn’t get an answer, but they were allowed to sit in on the secret deliberations of the Ratings Board.”


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Film Jerk's Early Report for September 18


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Location Earth Dog Tags. They come with a money-back guarantee. If you are abducted by aliens and the aliens cannot find earth to return you, you are entitled to a full refund!


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It's September 19th, and you know what that means, doncha kids? - Yarrrrr! It's Talk Like A Pirate Day.


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ROBERTS APPEARS AT CONFIRMATION HEARINGS DRESSED AS MIME ... Nominee's "Silent Treatment" Steams Democrats


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Shatner, Tonys Win Emmys
  • Yup, those are some meaningful awards. Shatner gets a statuette for "best supporting {cough} actor," and Wolverine wins a statuette for hosting a different awards show (The Tonys). Nothing against Wolverine, who really is a talented guy, but soon the Emmys will be presenting awards to the people who gave the best acceptance speeches at last year's Emmys.


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A tepid weekend at the box office, September 16-18


  • Just Like Heaven, a formulaic Hollywood romantic comedy, managed to take the #1 spot, but not very convincingly. In fact, it did NOT take the #1 spot in revenues per screen, but emerged on top of the total gross chart because of its 3500 screen presence.
  • Just Like Heaven's audience had a gender breakdown of 77/23 in favor of females. The only way to get a ratio like that is to get girls without dates, and just about the only way to do that is to appeal to girls too young to date, because those girls go to movies with other girls, often in large groups. Reese Witherspoon has that particular female crowd in the palm of her hand. She is the Julia Roberts of the pre-dating set. This really sank in when I was on vacation in a small resort town a few years ago, and my son and I went to Legally Blonde because it was the only film we hadn't seen. The small theater was completely packed. We were the only males, and we were the only people in the audience older than 14!
  • Weekend Warrior thought that the penguin movie would drop from the Top Ten. That seemed logical. After all, it was #10 last week, and four new movies were being released. The stubborn penguins did not co-operate in their demise, however. They not only managed to stay in the top ten, but they actually moved UP a spot to #9. The li'l critters did lose to three of the new films, but passed the films which finished 6-9 last week! The penguin flick dropped only 3% from last week, and has now reached $70 million.
  • The overall results may look anemic, but that's because the middle of September is one of the weakest times of the year. The Top 12 films are actually 13% above last year!




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Gullible U.N. suckered in by smooth new Iranian con man!
  • I was wondering when those Iranians would catch on to the fact that they can't maximize their true potential for evil by acting belligerent. All they need to do to get their way is to keep doing their same old evil stuff, but present a smiling diplomatic face to bullshit the world community, and to schmooze the press! Hell, even Goebbels understood that. Is this new guy qualified to be the new Goebbels? Here's a hint - one of his former titles was "propaganda officer."


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Script of President Bush's Scenic Televised Address Unveiling Inspired Plan to Combat Plummeting Post-Hurricane Poll Numbers (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)


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John Lennon's first wife, Cynthia, tells her story in a new book. Some shocking revelations. Who could have dreamed that Lennon preferred flounder to tuna?


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John Paul's last words were in Polish. Unfortunately, no Polish-speaking people were around to understand them. No, I'm kidding. He made a prediction that Mr Peterman would get hosed on that Dancing With the Stars thing.


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I know everyone thinks Texas is kinda macho, especially about football, but I just want you furriners (non Texans) to know that we have some pussy teams here as well. One of them, of course, is Sam Houston St., a I-AA team which couldn't beat a decent high school girls' volleyball team, but they are not the ones I'm talking about here. How about 19th rated Texas Tech, which schedules games against Sam Houston State! The mighty Red Raiders barely held on to their 49-7 halftime lead. The sadder news is that Tech played Florida International last week, and the saddest news is that Texas Tech plays another AA team next week, presumably because no Division II schools were available. Hey, Tech, I hear Kentucky Wesleyan still has some open dates.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote that is funny but wrong. Sam Houston went deep in the playoffs last year they had Dustin Long who was a Quarterback at A&M.

 


Blogger Uncle Scoopy said...

Get real.

I never said they couldn't beat other I-AA teams, but simply that they couldn't beat a decent girl's volleyball team.

They couldn't hold Tech's fourth string below 31 in the second half!!!

If Tech played its worst 22 guys against Sam Houston from the first snap, they would still score 60 with ease. If Tech's BAND played Sam Houston, they would be a two touchdown favorite, and even then the game would be close only if the bandleader emptied the bench and played the third string clarinets in the fourth quarter.

 

You want to hear about a screwy batting record? It is possible that the Texas Rangers will finish the season with NINE guys hitting twenty or more homers. Whether they get that one or not, they are about an even money bet to break the all-time record for most team homers. And they are below .500!


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Bill Maher defines some new rules and talks about the existence of evil. Very funny stuff, very incisive, and totally P.I.


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YESSSSSSS! Kate Moss held a drug-fueled three-way lesbian orgy with Sadie Frost and Davinia Taylor. The same article states that Kate also enjoyed threesomes with Sadie and then-hubby Jude Law. The story includes a nude pic of Kate, but unfortunately provides no pics or hidden camera videos of these or any other three-way celebrity lesbian orgies.
  • What I want to know is this: if there were only three women in that room, which of them admitted to a reporter that she participated in three-way lesbian orgies?
  • Oh, let's face it, what I really want to know is this: how can I watch three-way celebrity lesbian orgies?
  • In fact, I think it would make a great reality program. Each week, eight female celebrities compete in various games like strip Twister and the top three, as voted by viewers, come back for three-way celebrity lesbian orgies.


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Happy 40th birthday - to the Slurpee


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"Using satellite images from Google Maps and Google Earth, an Italian computer programmer has stumbled upon the remains of an ancient villa."


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