Sunday, September 25, 2005

Film Jerk's Early Report for September 25


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Forecaster leaves TV job to pursue paranoid weather theories. (Scott Stevens is the Idaho weatherman who blames the Japanese Mafia for Hurricane Katrina.)


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Anonymous Sparks said...

A few links and a Yahoo search later, we have possibly the ultimate tin-foil hat site. Turns out Katrina was manipulated by the Illuminati to distract the press from the revelation that Bush bribed his way into the presidency:

http://portland.indymedia.org/en/2005/08/323806.shtml

 

Britain to pull troops from Iraq


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"Demi Moore, 42, and Ashton Kutcher, 27, got married Saturday night "


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Ashton gets punk'd "A rep for Ashton Kutcher says cell phone messages allegedly pulled off the TV and film star's cell phone and posted on the Internet are fake. The site, Ashtonhacked.com, offers several recorded messages including one from a young lady -- and not his wife Demi Moore -- recounting a sexual encounter with the 'Punk'd' star, the New York Daily News said Sunday."


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TIME asks, "How Many More Mike Browns are out There?"
  • The magazine wonders how many more incompetent buffoons have been nominated to key positions in agencies that the country relies on to keep us safe, healthy and secure.


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BUSH ORDERS EVACUATION OF CINDY SHEEHAN.
  • "Saying that severe weather conditions could strike at any moment, President George W. Bush today ordered the immediate evacuation of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan from the front lawn of the White House."


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Weekend Box Office Results, September 23-25, 2005.
  • One mild surprise was that Flightplan defeated Corpse Bride in their battle for the top spot;
  • another was that the three new films took the top three spots in the "revenues per screen" category, as Roll Bounce proved surprisingly appealing.
  • The big story of the week was the total size of the Top 12 take. Those numbers below are massive by September standards. The three new films alone took in nearly as much as all of last year's films added together. Overall, the Box Office was an astronomical 51% ahead of last year. (EXPLANATORY NOTE: last year was a fluke in many ways, good and bad. In this particular week, last year was far behind 2003. A more measured comparison can be derived by comparing 2005 to 2003. This year is higher than 2003, but only by single digits, which would indicate a moderate and sustainable level of growth.)




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Thomas Ross Bond, who played Butch the bully in the "Our Gang" serials, has died. He fatally strained his back while pulling down some guy's pants in front of Darla.


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A season of dashed hopes: the collapse of the Orioles.
  • On June 21 the Orioles defeated the Blue Jays to go 14 games above .500. With the season nearly half over, their winning percentage was .600. Since then they have played .333 ball and have witnessed the complete meltdown of their two home run icons, Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro.
  • On the all-time homer charts, Sosa is third of all time among right handers, trailing only Aaron and Mays. Palmeiro is third of all time among left handers, trailing only Ruth and Bonds (although Ken Griffey will eventually knock him down to fourth if he stays healthy.)
  • This year was a different story. Sosa had a disastrous season on the field, slugging .376 with an OBP under .300. Palmiero wasn't bad on the field for a guy in his forties, but certainly had problems elsewhere, as we all know.


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Yanks and Sox tied with eight to go. Last three against each other at Fenway. It looks like "winner take all" this year. Often the loser of that rivalry keeps playing by snaring the wild card. This year it is very possible that the loser will be out for the season, because the White Sox and Indians both have better records.


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Urban Legends Reference Pages. Claim: Photograph shows President Bush holding a telephone to his ear upside-down. Status: Obviously false. Insiders realize that President Bush does not even know how to use "that faraway voice thing" unless Condi presses his speaker-phone button.


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HappyNews.com - All The News That's Fun To Print. Their motto: "Real News. Compelling Stories. Aways Positive."


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

It could be happy news, if any of the links worked.

 

National Science Foundation to Sell Naming Rights to Elements
  • "Citing a need to develop new revenue sources for large-scale scientific projects like the superconducting semicollider and a manned mission to Mars, the National Science Foundation today announced that it will begin to sell naming rights to the elements of the Periodic Table, which will hereafter be referred to as the Nokia Periodic Table of the Elements."


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The "international society for men who still live with their parents" has a very impressive web site. I thought those guys who live with their parents would be pretty good with the internet.


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In the after math of Katrina, the latest "day the music died," George Bush sings "American Lie" ... "Bye-bye My American Joke | Drove my Chevy to the levee | But the levee was broke"


Posted: 4:35 AM ... Links to this post ...
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Howard Stern presents ... The World's Smallest Penis Contest


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McCready OD's Again - many think it is a second suicide attempt. ... "the onetime country chart-topper revealed she tried to commit suicide earlier this summer because she found out she was pregnant."


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Win a Vacation With President Bush! (Landover Baptist)


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Headline of the day: "New record for most Valentines sent to guinea pig" Man, they keep track of records on everything! And who would have guessed that Richard Gere was such a romantic?


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Texas Tech wins over their third straight patsy. In the best story of the college football season, Tech continued its romp over silly opponents.
  • This week they scored 49 in the first half against Indiana State. ISU is not only a division I-AA team, but a poor one, having stretched their record to 0-4. I don't suppose they would be a good match for the top high school teams in Texas.
  • Last week Tech scored 49 in the first half against another I-AA school, Sam Houston (The Sam Houston Institute of Technology, as we call it here in Texas. That's not the real name, but check out the initials.)
  • Sam Houston is the only Tech opponent to have won a game this year, their only win coming against Bacone College, a tiny school in Muskogee originally "dedicated to the Christian education of American Indians," which somehow managed to avoid a direct matchup with Tech.
  • In Week 1, Tech scored a mere 56-3 victory over Florida International, which is rated #8 in ESPN's bottom ten, is 0-3 for the season, and lost their only conference game 66-24, while allowing their opponents to rewrite their team record book.
  • Not surprisingly, Tech is ranked No. 1 in the nation in scoring offense, and total offense.
  • Next week, Tech plays Kansas, which has also built a 3-0 record against pussy opponents, but has not even won very convincingly. (They played a very tight game against that mighty "bottom ten" powerhouse Florida Atlantic, finally emerging on the winning side of a 30-19 game. At one point Florida Atlantic was ahead 13-12!!).
  • For next year, Tech is hoping to open against DeVry and The University of Phoenix


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Sandy Kim finds the zone. He goes the distance, shuts out the Giants, faces only 30 batters, and holds Bonds hitless and walkless - (wait for it) - AT COORS!
  • This is only the sixth complete game shutout ever pitched by a Rockies pitcher at home.
  • What the hell is going on with this guy? After four years of struggling as a middle reliever and spot starter, the Korean pitcher has gone 5-0 for the hapless 64-90 Rockies. He had never pitched a complete game in 35 previous starts for three different teams.


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