Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bob Sagat's legendary version of The Aristocrats joke


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"Totally Absurd Inventions - America's Goofiest Patents!"


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Internet Explorer 7: Beta is now available for downloading.


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Geena Davis impeached


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That vampire running for Governor of Minnesota will have to do so from behind bars
  • I hope he didn't quit his day job. Oh, wait. Vampires don't have day jobs.


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The good news: you'll soon be able to use your cell phone on the airplane. The bad news: I'll be sitting next to you.


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Stephen Colbert takes totally unscripted questions from his audience


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Oprah acknowledges the existence of Stephen Colbert


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Stephen Colbert's weekly "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger"


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Professional poker player Annie Duke and Stephen Colbert talk about people's "tells."


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The Daily Show: "Bush has no doubt in his mind the wiretaps are legal. In fact, there's no doubt in his mind, period."
  • ... or much of anything else, for that matter.


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The Daily Show's Ed Helms investigates legalized mooning - a man's efficient and elegant way to convey a certain message.


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American Idol's Randy Jackson talks to Jon Stewart about why Simon relishes destroying people's souls.


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The Weekend Warrior's box office analysis and predictions for the upcoming weekend
  • He may be right, but the numbers seem too low to me. Last year, same weekend, the Top 12 pulled in about 88 million. Warrior says they will pull in 75 million this year. That represents about a 15% decline. Year to date, this year is dead even with last year.
  • In the first four weeks of the year, the Top 12 have taken in 106, 102, 94, 99 ... and he's calling for a sudden drop to 75. Last year the last week of January took in $104 million, and the first weekend in February took in $88, so there is a historical drop, but 24% seems too steep, even for Super Bowl weekend.
  • Based on the trends, you'd expect this weekend to be more like 85, not 75.
  • Of course, Warrior may be right because the two new offerings are bland and have no buzz at all. That is often all it takes to kill a weekend.


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This week's movies (2600 screens): When a Stranger Calls - no reviews yet. (Horror movie remake.)


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This week's movies (1200 screens): Something New - 42% positive reviews (Interracial romantic comedy)


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Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2006


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"GREENSPAN SENDS MIXED SIGNALS IN FIRST DAY AT HOME ... Former Fed Chief's Inscrutable Statements Baffle Wife"


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A gazillion new stills from The DaVinci code!


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I swear I didn't make this up. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is in talks to reprise Clint Eastwood's role in a remake of Every Which Way But Loose.
  • And maybe, just maybe, Hollywood will find time to remake Popeye this year. Oh, please, let it be so.


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It's official - Brooke Burke is engaged to the Burger King. Is it just me, or do you guys think these are getting creepy?


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Rocket Racing League Announces First Team.
  • Wanna play? If you can't come up with $100,000, better stick to softball


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The poster for Vaughn and Aniston in The Break-Up!


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ABC News and the Associated Press prepare for the Super Bowl by pointing out that Detroit sucks.
  • "Much of the rest of Detroit, though, is a landscape dotted with burned-out buildings, where liquor stores abound but supermarkets are hard to come by, and where drugs, violence and unemployment are everyday realities."
  • Maybe they sent those reporters to Medellin by mistake


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Crazy stuff ... 3D paintjobs
  • I once got one of those in Denmark. Couldn't piss right for two days.
  • The real story is this. My friend and I were hanging out in a beer hall in Denmark when a couple of Danish chicks started hitting on us. (They really do that sort of thing.) So I dance with the one girl and she tells me how handsome I am and how she'd like to paint me. I am envisioning my rosy future as the world's most famous face, my painting hanging in galleries next to the Mona Lisa and Warhol's Marilyn. Time passes, and I get a chance to dance with the other girl. I ask her, "Is your friend really a painter?" She replies, "Yes, she has painted many of the nicest barns in rural Denmark." Talk about an ego deflation! One minute I think she wants to capture my face for the ages, the next minute I realize she'll probably spray me with a Wagner Power Painter.
  • The end of the story gets stranger. This woman just has to have me come home with her, and I'm getting creeped out by her insistent tone, and I'm thinking she's your basic psycho. My friend Svein figues out a solution. He decides to get rid of her by telling her that I am actually an expensive gigolo, and she can't have sex with me unless she pays 1000 Kroner (about $150 in those days). We are completely shocked when she agrees. She is short a few Kroner, at which point she heads over to borrow money from her friend. While they talk and go through their purses, Svein and I sneak out.
  • Sorry, I wish the story had a better ending involving rubber chickens and KY Jelly and corpses and buttermilk with expired code dates, but it just doesn't. All of that really happened as I wrote it.


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"Firetruck joyride doesn't ring a bell"
  • Here's a tip for you youngsters. If you're going to try to steal a firetruck, try not to crash it into the garage door of the fire station
  • "He admits that on Sept. 9, 2005, he barreled down the road in the bright-red, 40,000-pound ladder truck with the fire station's garage door draped over the cab like a blanket."


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"Normally we'd say men's thongs are best left to strippers and Peter Stringfellow. But the Chocolate Thong is a very honourable exception."
  • “Ennis … I wuz thinkin of somethin new to bring on our fishin trips”
  • There is also a chocothong for women.


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The complete list of Oscar nominees
  • I suppose the biggest surprises involved the little engines that could, small audience pictures that picked up some nominations. Everyone expected Hoffman to be nominated for his performance in Capote, but very few felt that the movie would be in the final five.
  • Similarly, most people agreed that Terrence Howard deserved a nomination for Hustle and Flow, but few thought he would actually get one. I think the five guys they nominated as Best Actor are the same five I would have picked.
  • Biggest disappointments, as I see it: 1) no nominations for Sin City - not even for best visual effects (???). Rodriguez and Rourke were also shut out. The Mickster was truly hosed, in my opinion, because they dug up some truly uninspired nominees in the Best Supporting Actor category. Probably only two of them even belong there at all. Matt Dillon? Maybe they thought they were choosing the five nominees for "Best Supporting Actor in Crash." And even then he might not make it! Do you think they're just paying him back for the nomination he deserved and didn't get for his brilliant comic performance in "There's Something About Mary"?(2) No Best Original Screenplay nomination for Lord of War, even though some mediocre screenplays snuck into the nominees.


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Gordo's ashes will join Scotty's in space


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There is a reason to watch The Golf Channel? I have never seen the Big Break V. In fact, I've never watched The Golf Channel of my own volition ... but the chicks look nice.


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Jessica Alba Fanatics | HQ Image Gallery


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