Friday, March 03, 2006

"Cash vs. ash: Is microwaving money a laughing matter?"


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"Playboy won't pull its March issue over actress Jessica Alba's claim that she was made an unwitting cover girl to fool readers into thinking she is nude inside"
  • "The magazine added that celebrities routinely grace its cover without appearing naked inside." In other words, Playboy's counter-argument is that it's OK to dupe their readers with the Alba pic, because duping their readers is their standard business practice!


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Midwest Oil fined for selling gas too cheaply
  • The Minnesota laws against providing a good value to consumers are quite comparable to the laws requiring high school principals to discourage independent thought


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It's the Year of the Dog, so "Conan O'Brien sends Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to visit New York's China Town for Chinese New Year."


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This week's movies - follow-up: Bangor Daily News reviewer ruins Ultraviolet's valiant attempt at 0% positive reviews. Some other critics said:
  • "...so awful that you'd swear it had been directed by Uwe Boll."
  • "utter crap"
  • "laughably atrocious"
  • "visibly low-budget CG work, exceptionally hackneyed and imitative action and dialogue ... nearly lifeless."
  • "all the costumes match the colors of these sets, further amping the unintentional hilarity of the combat set-pieces, which come dangerously close to looking like an incredibly expensive deodorant commercial. Wimmer soon shrugs and gives himself over to complete camp by the end, which features Violet dueling with the villain using flaming swords. Meant to shake action conventions, it looks more like a Hawaiian luau gone horribly awry."
  • "Ultraviolet is to digital environments what Tron was to computer effects in the first place"


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Swanson, Eisler Win "Skating with Celebrities" - as 14 million watch!
  • The solid ratings say "sequel"


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The trailer for VOLVER Pedro Almodovar's new film, which stars Penelope Cruz.


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"SpoofCard calling cards offers you the ability to change what someone sees on their caller ID display when they receive a phone call."
  • Frankly, I don't want people to have this ability. On the other hand, the last time I picked up my phone, rather than letting the answering machine get it, was about 15 years ago.


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The trailer for Let Them Eat
  • "Let Them Eat" is a poetic and haunting journey which spans from the turbulent time of the French Revolution to present day. From the prison cell of the former Queen of France, Marie Antoinette, to Bella, a woman who seems to be leading a parallel life with a deep connection to the former queen. Seamlessly drifting from present to past, each woman's story unfolds while both struggle to make peace with their past before one leaves the Earth and so the other can embrace her future. Laced within the story are beautiful spoken word poems which delve deep into the hearts and souls of our two heroines exposing their secret world of passion, lust, pain, love and triumph. This is a story of great courage, strength and ever-lasting love which bridges the two lives and the two women together forever."


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"Stuff rich people get for free ... Swag permeates the Oscars"


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Lead paragraph of the day: "If you're one of the lucky ones who opened your morning Bryan-College Station Eagle on Thursday and found a large penis staring back at you, well, congratulations."


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Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
  • He used 8 lives on heart attacks. OOPS! That's actually one of the Top Ten signs that Dick Cheney is too fat.


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Letterman: Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Academy Award


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Scarlett Johansson says she was 'sort of shocked' when a TV interviewer groped her breast at the Golden Globes.


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The Quote of the Day comes from Brigitte Bardot: "Canada is not an underdeveloped nation. It is a rich country. It does not have to trade in seal skins, fat, oil and penises"


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A brain teaser - oldie but goodie (answers below)


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The answers to the quiz


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Nick Lachey has a great life


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Britney Spears upset by internet photos
  • "There was a time when that title would've sent millions of guys on a frenzied porn hunt. Of course that was before Britney stepped in the Ugly-mobile and took a long drive down Chubby Avenue"


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Our nominee for wife of the year


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Power Sox??


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Shock Absorber - sports bra (just mess with it -it's actually pretty cool)


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Playboy Casting Call - Girls of the Big 12


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"Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary"
  • "A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options."


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Here's an IMDb entry you may have missed.


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Wow - here's some breaking news: Clay Aiken just might be gay

The text reads:

  • "I'm not sure what it's going to take to convince some people that Clay Aiken is gay. Does he have to send his proctologist flowers with a note saying call me, or is it enough that the National Enquirer went to press yesterday with web cam pictures and a transcript of Aiken soliciting sex from a 22 year old male schoolteacher in Boston on the gay chat site Manhunt.net"


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Is Joaquin Phoenix with Eva Mendes?
  • Frankly, I don't care. I'm linking to this because it has several hot pictures of Eva Mendes in which her clothing is often transparent, and Eva is majorly caliente


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Who says we're not journalists? The Sun does a hard-hitting exposé of celebrity nipples


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"A teacher in St. Claire Shores, Mich., has been suspended over a student-produced broadcast warning about the dangers of MySpace.com."
  • If you read this carefully, you'll see that she was suspended because she did the one thing that teachers should never do - she was actually teaching something!
  • Worse than that, she was teaching the kids to think for themselves. We surely can't have that!
  • When I was in high school, the principal once reprimanded me for publishing an underground newspaper. His exact words, "This might be OK for juniors and seniors, but the younger students might see it, and it could cause them to think!" My exact response, "We wouldn't want that to happen." Of course, being the slimy chickenshit that I am, I didn't say it in a sarcastic voice that would get him upset, but in my most sincere tones, as if to say "Wow, I never thought of it that way!" In essence, I agreed with him 100%, and then wrote up our conversation in the newspaper verbatim, allowing people to draw their own conclusions! In fact, I actually liked the guy- and what else could he say? He was a high school principal and his job, after all, was to prevent kids from thinking!


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"AN asteroid capable of devastating an area the size of a sub-continent has about a one in 1000 risk of hitting Earth on May 4, 2102"
  • Remind me to sleep in that day. Of course, I'll be 153 years old, so I probably won't hear what you say anyway.


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Clooney Claims His Batman Was Gay, kind of a "BrokeBat Mountain" (his own words)


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In your next life, will you be a gorgeous aristocrat who's waited on hand and foot? Or will you be born a malformed freak in some Third World hellhole? You can find out by taking a fun Weekly World News quiz!


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Human rarities: "Claim: Photographs show fraternal twin girls, one black, one white. Status: True."


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The Brokeback Redemption


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Brokeback Mountain in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.


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Some new pics from Superman Returns!


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Colbert Report: "Better Know a Founder: Benjamin Franklin" ... Stephen and Ben Franklin talk about their inventions, and who died of syphilis.


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"Colbert Report: Falconry Camps" ... We know al-Qaeda is after our field mice!"


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Colbert talks to Arianna Huffington


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"Colbert's word for the day: Faith" The son of Bush is beset on all sides by devils.


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