Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Veteran Police Officer Faces Charges For Hitting Himself With Congresswoman McKinney's Hand


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I did not make this up. It is not from a spoof site. This is for real. German researchers say that people who smile a lot and say "have a nice day" are headed to an early grave while the grumpy stay fit.


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If only the headline DID say it all...but it gets a whole lot worse. This story is Jerry Springer's wet dream: Three Arrested at Baby Shower Brawl


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"Golfers use 7-irons to beat rabid bobcat"
  • Here's a tip for you youngsters. A 7-iron is fine for bobcats, but use the driver if attacked by a mountain lion. If a camel escapes from the zoo - go with the sand wedge


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"Expert Says Hard Liquor Helps Houseplants"


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Colbert chats with Jesse Jackson


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"Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz: Plastic Surgery" ... because you're never too young to learn how to look your best.


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Colbert Report retires Tom DeLay's number
  • "Tom DeLay is to Congress what Michael Jordan is to basketball."


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The Daily Show: The venerable Studs Terkel discusses some of the inspiration for his new book And They All Sang.


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"Daily Show: Sometimes to make the law you've got to break the law. Much the way a vet would strangle a cat."


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"John McCain discusses whether his 'Straight Talk Express' has been rerouted through 'Bullshit Town.'"


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"Daily Show: Headlines - DeLay: The Inevitable"
  • Every time Tom DeLay resigns an angel gets its wings


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Textbook Says Donkeys Are Better Than Housewives
  • "A donkey is like a housewife. It has to toil all day and, like her, may even have to give up food and water. In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master."


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Record industry spokesman says: "The RIAA has been known to suggest that students drop out of college or go to community college in order to be able to afford settlements."


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Part VI of Silent Bob's continuing saga of Jay's heroin habit.


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Sometimes the race is not to the fleet, nor the battle to the mighty: "David Spade was 'full-on making out' with Heather Locklear at Jones restaurant in Los Angeles last week"


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The Smoking Gun: Sharon Stone's Demands on the BI2 set


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Lovely By Surprise - a free film in chapters (sponsored by a car company)


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Eminem divorces first wife a second time


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This week's movies (1100 screens): Phat Girlz - no reviews available
  • Mo'Nique and Eric Roberts - together at last!


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This week's movies (one trillion screens, or at least 3100): The Benchwarmers - see below
  • This is the baseball film with David Spade and Rob Schneider, so don't expect lots of positive reviews, because they are not exactly the darlings of the arthouse set ... or, for that matter, any other set I can think of.
  • One RT commenter wrote: "In my medium-sized American city, all critics screenings for 'Benchwarmers' were cancelled at the last minute so there won't be any opening-day reviews."
  • One site wrote: "Jon Heder has joined the axis of evil."


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This week's movies (1700 screens): Lucky Number Slevin - 69% positive reviews
  • The previews look terrific. It seems to be a Guy Ritchie crime movie with American accents.
  • Hollywood Reporter said, "No matter how badly the movie cons you, you must admit that the film is stylish as hell with sharp dialogue, a tongue-in-cheek plot and visual and editing razzle-dazzle."


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This week's movies (2800 screens): Take the Lead - 73% positive reviews.
  • Critics have been impressed by the Banderas dance movie, and by the perfect casting of Banderas himself, although they have acknowledged it to be a formulaic and schmaltzy genre flick. Rolling Stone summed it up, "The movie shucks its corn straight from the cob. But it's no less engaging for that, thanks to the enthusiasm of the young cast and the fusion of classic dance with hip-hop moves."


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The Weekend Warrior makes his predictions for the upcoming weekend.
  • There are four more new releases this week.
  • Warrior feels that Take the Lead (Banderas) and The Benchwarmers (Spade-Schneider-Heder) will open in the fifteen million range, with the other two new releases falling by the wayside.


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Art Buchwald is living death to the fullest.


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More universities are going SAT-optional, including 24 of the top 100 liberal arts colleges.
  • It appears that the SAT company's managers made a poor financial decision when they added the essay.
  • "What this represents is a dissatisfaction or worse with the changes in the SAT," says Robert Schaeffer, spokesman for FairTest, a non-profit organization that says tests are overused.


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Here are some pictures of the oven door sold as a flat screen TV


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SI.com - Photo Gallery - The Fans vs. Barry Bonds


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"X-Men: The Last Stand will be screened at the 59th Annual Cannes Film Festival"


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Human Tests Electric Dog Collar


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Actor James Ransone kicks rapist ass


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The mysterious map from the last episode of the cult series, "Lost."
  • This must be the biggest "obsessive" show since Twin Peaks


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More baseball salaries: Phil Nevin makes ten million per year. He is 35. In the past four years, he has averaged 16 HR, 65 RBI.
  • Nevin has managed to stay in the line-up during only one of the past four years, but if he finds his stroke and stays healthy, he's going to love playing in Texas. In 2001, he had an OPS of nearly 1000 playing in a pitchers' park, and knocked in 126 while hitting in a mediocre line-up in that tough park. If he returns to that form in Arlington, in the current Rangers' line-up, he could knock in 160 ... which is of course why the Rangers are willing to gamble on him.


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The 2006 salaries for the 409 Major League Baseball players earning $1 Million or more.
  • The Yankees pay $100 million just to their top five guys, and another sixty million to the next five!
  • Magglio Ordonez makes $16 million per year, and over the last two years he has averaged nine homers and 42 ribbies. (Of course, he averaged about 120 RBI for the previous five years.)


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To improve Sunday nights, NFL keeps schedule flexible. Dallas to play in Philadelphia on Christmas Day
  • Will T.O. receive the spirit of goodwill toward men? Not in Philly. The legend is that the Philly crowds boo the losing kids in Easter Egg Rolls.
  • Note this interview with my dad, Danny "Suits" Sparrow, who claimed to be the world's greatest baseball player. "Scoop: So dad, if you were so good, how come you never hit more than 47 homers in a season?" "Danny: Hell, you gotta remember that I only had 48 at-bats that year playing for the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks. In my other trips to the plate, I had 665 intentional walks and a ground-rule double. And the home fans in Philly booed me for ten minutes when I hit the double."


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"Tampa man charged with grabbing deputy's backside"


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ASU cheerleader does porn, in uniform.
  • "Courtney Simpson, playing a pantiless cheerleader in the same outfit she wore on the front DVD cover (Arizona State University I believe: yellow, middle right hand side), showed she still had all her cheerleader moves with the split on the floor before taking on Barry Scott and Travis Knight in the living room."
  • She must be the first porn star to change her real name to a LESS sexual one. Sources report that her real name is Courtney Cox.
  • Here is a site with lots of pics of her as a cheerleader and .. um ... elsewhere. The threads also include posts by ol' Courtney herself.


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Video title says it all: "The Gangbang Olympics"


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As predicted by Cheerleader Guy, the Miami Heat easily won the NBA Dance Team Bracket


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What really happened to Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell?


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Digital clock oddity today: 01-02-03-04-05-06


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