Sunday, January 28, 2007

Weekend Box Office Results for January 26-28, 2007
Hollywood has to be breathing a sigh of relief after this weekend. Although the box office was down ten percent from last year, it could have been much worse. There were four new releases - three of them were not pre-screened for critics, and they have now all come in below 30% at Rotten Tomatoes. On top of that, the strongest carry-over has been out for six weeks! Analysts expected the carnage to be much worse than it actually was.

Some executives at Fox must be particularly relieved at the performance of Epic Movie, a film reviled by critics ("assured to be the worst film I will behold all year"), yet on top of the box office. Can anyone recall when a film with 0% positive reviews made the head of the class? That has to be a first.

Audiences cut some slack for Epic Movie and Smokin' Aces, and even Catch and Release (which took in a surprising eight million), but they had no interest at all in the offbeat supernatural movie Blood and Chocolate, which seems too much like a straight-to-vid project. It finished 15th, and was the only film on the list to perform below expectations. And those expectations were modest to begin with!

Scorsese's The Departed was re-released after the Oscar nominations, and pulled in another three million bucks, finishing in the top twelve!



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Pot-Running Arizona Granny Gets 3 Years
A 62-year-old grandmother who ran drugs to support her bingo habit has been sentenced to three years in prison and a $150,000 fine.


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Live performance: Meat Loaf - Paradise [1977]


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Mirren and Whitaker win the Screen Actors Guild awards
Dreamgirls won both of the "supporting" awards, and Little Miss Sunshine won the ensemble award.


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Katie Holmes will not be back for the next Batman movie
She turned down the role, citing "scheduling conflicts"


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The power of female orgasms is potentially fatal to men
Woo-hoo! I may live forever. I knew there was a good reason not to get laid. I'm just being prudent.


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The Craziest Laws in America
I have to be honest and say that some of these are probably urban legends (or maybe outright fabrications), but it's still a good read.


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Helton tells paper he likely would OK deal to BoSox
The Red Sox employ lots of baseball analysts, so I can't believe they would make this trade.

1. Helton has a big long-term contract and is no longer capable of performing at that level. Even when he signed the contract, his numbers were artificially inflated by Coors. His lifetime average outside of Coors is below. 300.

2. Helton's performance has declined dramatically two years in a row, and declined still further last year after the all-star game!

Last year, Helton's performance outside of Coors was a .266 batting average, with 7 homers and 30 RBI - and that's in more than 300 plate appearances. So call it .266 with 14 homers and 60 RBI (with a .421 slugging average and an OPS under .800) if playing a full season in a neutral park. Unless there is some reason to expect a dramatic return to form (not so very likely at age 33 and without the Coors effect), that would make him just about the weakest-hitting first baseman in the game. Even with the Rockies picking up half of the contract, the Sox would still be stuck paying eight million a year for a weak-hitting first baseman. I'll bet they could do a lot more with that money.


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The UK considers a new solution to jail overcrowding: get convicted now, serve your sentence in the future!
"I believe I can sqeeze you into a nice cell near the kitchen around 8:00 on December 14th. In the meantime, don't run away or hide and, of course, don't rob any more 7-Elevens"

This situation actually is self-correcting. Let's say a bloke is arrested for robbery and can't make bail, but we have no cell for him right away. By delaying his entry into jail, we give him time to rob a few more stores and get enough cash to make bail! No jail cell needed temporarily. Then, knowing there's no room for him in jail, he should be emboldened to steal enough to afford a top lawyer, who will get him off. No jail cell needed permanently. Problem solved. Those Limeys are geniuses!


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The Worst Band Names of 2006
David Copperfuck? That's not even trying to be clever.

My favorite band is now these guys: Lyin' Bitch and The Restraining Orders, although it was a tough decision to reject Old Vodka Tits


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Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in history,
... and the last white man who could dunk. Of course, he could reach up 12 feet in the air flat-footed, so "white man's jumping syndrome" didn't really bother him much.


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Jerry Lee Lewis does "Whole Lotta Shakin'" on the Steve Allen Show


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The Geico Caveman Finally Jumps the Shark...


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CITING CHINESE ANTI-SATELLITE TEST, BUSH INVADES SPACE
To express their outrage over this latest belligerency, the Democratic Leadership is seeking a non-binding resolution, that suggests that Bush watch all episodes of Star Trek, in order to develop a healthy respect for outer space.

And of course, the ancillary benefit is that the President is the only man who could become more humble by copying Bill Shatner.


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Super Bowl Tickets: From $3500 to $575,000
A $575,000 ticket to watch one football game is God's way of telling you that you have too much money.


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