Monday, March 12, 2007

The 30 Strangest Deaths in History.
My favorite: one guy was literally bored to death by Dick Cavett


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RIP: Ernie "The Big Cat" Ladd


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VIAGRA: "CALL DOCTOR IF ERECTION LASTS MORE THAN FOUR HOURS"
This wouldn't do me much good. Except for emergencies, you have to call my doctor about 45 days in advance to get an appointment, and I'm not sure he'd consider a five hour hard-on to be a true emergency.

So, by the time I get there, I suppose my symptom would be gone, so what would he examine? "See this, doc? Oh, sure it doesn't look like much now, but here once stood a proud five-hour hard-on."

I guess I could keep taking Viagra for 45 days so he can see the symptoms.

I'm wondering how this is really supposed to work. Let's create a scenario. Let's say I take a woman to dinner and a show on Friday night. (Man I really need a lot of imagination for this one.) I suppose I'll pop a Viagra about 11:00 PM. Now, let's imagine the unlikely possibility that I still have a raging hard-on at 3:30, what should I do? Should I call my doctor at home at 4:00 AM to tell him I've had a hard-on for five hours? He's a nice guy and all, but I don't think he would have a very positive reaction to that call. If I wait and call him in his office Monday morning, assuming I do not have an eternal boner and it has now subsided, what am I going to say? "Oh, Friday night I had a five hour boner. What should I do?" The best medical advice he can give me is "Stop taking Viagra," which I could have figured out on my own.

To tell you the truth, if I ever do get that eternal boner, I will probably make some calls, but they won't be to my doctor. I'm thinkin' I'll call all my ex-girlfriends in the area first, and then maybe the Ripley Museum and Weekly World News.


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Evangeline Lilly loses her bathing suit bottom. Sweet!


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Tehran condemns 'anti-Iranian' movie 300
Iran has called foul over what it calls 'deviation of history' but also because the Persians in the film were shown as 'ugly and violent creatures rather than human beings.'

Well, if it is any consolation, the Spartans were also pictured as violent and inhuman. The only difference is that the 300 were handsome and buff, but many of the other Spartans were uglier than the Persians.

To be honest, I don't think many Americans equate Persia to Iran. That gives Americans credit for too much historical perspective.


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Our daily Tom Brady sperm update.


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14 cover songs that are better than the originals
Add to the list: "every Joe Cocker song"


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Swedes suspect Snoop Dog may use drugs
Man, those Swedes are sharp. You just can't sneak anything past them.

"He underwent some tests that will now be sent away for analysis," Brannlund said. "In two to three weeks, we'll know if he was on something."

Three weeks? Where are they sending it, and how? My guess: New Zealand, by viking ship.

The best part of the story: when they finally get their lab tests back and make their decisions, probably sometime in May, Snoop could be subject to a very strong letter, possibly even with multiple exclamation points.

Given the prices in Sweden, Snoop's little fine will probably be less than the cost of his dope, and probably less than the cost of the lab work. Why don't they just add the fine right to the product cost so you can light up in public


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The Smoking Gun: "Meet Anna Clifford. The Tennessee woman, 25, was arrested early this morning on a drunk driving rap."
According to Memphis cops, Clifford was weaving across the road in a 2000 Chevy when she was pulled over at around 2:30 AM. A subsequent Breathalyzer test showed her blood alcohol content to be .10, above the state maximum of .08. Nothing special there. But the bust of Clifford, who celebrated her birthday yesterday, is notable for the view she afforded Shelby County sheriff's deputies when posing for the profile portion of her mug shot. And, yes, we're assuming Clifford (who told police her occupation is 'spammer') drives with the sunroof open."


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"According to the British arm of online retail giant Amazon, the DVD of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan was the most-ordered product from Kazakhstan."
Yes, but what about in Uzbekistan?


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The Pirate Bay honors King Carl Gustaf of Sweden for his assistance in piracy.
Reminds me of a story. When I lived in Oslo, Princess Martha - then nineteen or twenty years old - caused quite a public stir when some paparazzi caught her smoking a pack of Prince Cigarettes, a popular local brand. I sent her a letter which read, "Don't pay attention to the criticism. You're just being patriotic. I don't smoke, but I sure would if the cigarettes were named after my brother." To the credit of Norway, no stormtroopers ever appeared at my door.


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Richard Jeni's greatest quotes
"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."


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Family Guy: "Former President Bill Clinton cheers Peter up using some saxophone therapy."


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Richard Jeni on Politics


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The late Richard Jeni discusses Jaws 4. Nice piece of comedy.


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The 51 Best Magazines Ever
Yeah, they really gave this a lot of thought - since Punch is #48, just 18 places beneath "Fuck You" magazine! The Economist doesn't make the list at all. (Tiger Beat does make the list. Let me repeat that for emphasis. Tiger Beat - yes. The Economist - no.) And I'd pick OMNI and Inside Sports over at least five of the names on the list. A better name for the list would be "51 Mostly American Guy Magazines I Can Think of Without Doing Any Research"


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The song "Kung Fu Fighting" was recorded in a total of ten minutes of studio time.
And eight minutes of that was a bathroom break for one of the musicians.


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From our "Real News Imitates The Onion" Department: "Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk and naked apart from bondage gear."


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Factory Girl, as reviewed by The Filthy Critic
"The plan was to go see The Host, that Korean monster movie that I keep hearing good things about, and not from the fucking weirdos who think anything Asian is cool. But it's only playing in one theater in Denver, which is pretty fucking hard to get to when the Falcon has a flat and I'm no longer welcome on the RTD buses. So, fuck. Second choice was 300, but when I got to the Arvada Colorado Cinema, the God damn lobby was overrun with mouth-breathers. Fat fucking slobby, goateed men with no dates who were shitting their pants they were so excited to see another comic book adaptated into a movie that they not only could understand but also have something to say about because it came from a kids' book that they actually read."


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Movie Juice offers a smart-ass take on 300
"Behold," says Xerxes. "I am shrouded in jewels and flamboyant piercings and my eyebrow is penciled on. Shudder before me as so many cosmetologists have before you!"


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My take on 300
It's an impressive movie, and a must-see if you are in the target audience, but I'm just not. It's a movie made for those who read comic books and play video games. More directly to the point, it's a movie for those who like to watch others play video games! (Although, truth be told, the character development might be a little deeper in video games.)

There is so much slow motion that at times you will wonder why they didn't just hire Ken Burns to photograph the comic book.


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Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration
"Talking to Mom the other day, it was the same old manipulative 'You're coming home, right?' said Birch, referring to a recent phone conversation with his mother, Freyja Birch. "If I hesitate for even a second, she piles on the guilt - like how this may be the last year Nana Hippolyta can perform the garden fertility ritual, or that without my masculine energy, the yin-and-yang balance will be thrown off - until I finally give in."


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M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TO PLAY EVERY CHARACTER IN NEXT FILM
"After watching my breathtaking performances in my previous movies and witnessing Eddie Murphy's success in Norbit, I decided to cast myself to play all of the roles."


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CHENEY ACCUSED OF LEAKING STORY ABOUT VALERIE PLAME MOVIE
"A lot is at risk here when it comes to this film," added Wilson. "To pick up Variety and see that it was revealed in the media that the film is being co-produced by Zucker Productions and Weed Road is completely unacceptable to me and any American who is trying to keep details of a biopic private."


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300 BECOMES FIRST GAY PORN MOVIE TO GROSS OVER $70 MILLION
"I spent years unsuccessfully trying to sell the major studios on financing a movie about oiled, muscular, hairless men wearing briefs," said director Zack Snyder. "But then I found out there was a gay soft core graphic novel by Frank Miller that I could adapt and the movie sold in no time. I think everyone in the homosexual soft core community owes Frank a huge debt of gratitude."


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Lots of new posters from upcoming movies, most never seen before.


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Bumpshack's Hollywood March Madness Tournament
"here at the Bumpshack we are having our own tourney version called Hollywood March Madness. In our tournament we will will pit Hollywood stars head-to-head to see who is Hollywood’s Maddest Celebrity"


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