Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Scientists use advanced optic studies to prove that men stare at crotches


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FilmJerk.com's Early Report for March 14
"This first section of The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming six weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 73 known new movies opening in theatres between Friday 3/16/06 and Friday 4/20/07, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."


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wcbstv.com - Luxury Pie: NYC Restaurant Offers $1,000 Pizza
"The pizza will be added to the menu at "Nino's Bellisima," one of Selimaj's six restaurants in the city. Forget traditional cheese and pizza sauce, the record-priced pie will be topped with creme fraiche, chives, eight ounces of four different kinds of Petrossian caviar, four ounces of thinly sliced Maine lobster tail, salmon roe, and a little bit of spice with wasabi. And unlike your typical pizza, this one won't be cooked, after all, that would spoil the fish. The 12-inch pie is sliced into four pieces, which comes to $250 per slice.

They are offering Yankee great Yogi Berra a half price deal by cutting it into eight slices and cutting the cost to $125 per slice.


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Twelve Titles: Can you tell which are Clint Eastwood films and which are gay porn?


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Hard-core porn interrupts news show
Viewers claim that the station's lack of safeguards against such incidents is the most irresponsible thing in the television industry since Dan Rather retired


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The Lamborghini Alar - one weird-lookin' vehicle


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"DUI suspect did NOT claim a unicorn was driving."
Damn, now the story sucks, but you still have to love this: "At the arraignment, Judge Gregory Todd said he set the high bond because he was concerned that Holliday has five previous DUI convictions and dozens of misdemeanor and traffic convictions, including 28 for driving with a suspended license."


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Nazi SS vs the Dinosaurs
"Cruel reptilian monsters incapable of mercy ..."

and their enemies, the dinosaurs.


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Erica Chevillar, the Bikini "Teacher" posed for Hef.
"Erica Chevillar, also known as the Bikini Teacher; the former 10th grade teacher from Boca Raton, has stripped it all off. For those of you who don't remember, Erica was already famous due to some sexy photos of her from her photoshoot on the National Bikini Team. When school officials found out, they were furious, but ended up dropping the case. Fortunately, it's not against the rules for a teacher to pose in a bikini, no matter how skimpy - good news for Erica. When the chance to get naked for Playboy came up, Erica Chevillar jumped at the opportunity - fame and money came knocking, and she was ready to answer. After all, her teaching job in Boca Raton paid only about $31,000 per year- hardly enough to make any kind of lifestyle in Florida.


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The 14 Kinkiest films ever made (with clips from almost every one)
"Peter Coyote in a pig mask. Joan Chen getting her foot sucked off in Cinemascope. James Spader spanking Maggie Gyllenhaal. James Spader screwing a scar on someone’s leg. James Spader doing anything, come to think of it. Some of us just have a taste for the bizarre."


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In a radio interview today, Pete Rose admitted he bet on the Reds while managing the team.
"Rose also said the Dowd report, which ultimately led to his ban from baseball, was correct."


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"Rich Jeni's family revealed the comic was suffering from 'severe clinical depression, coupled with bouts of psychotic paranoia.'"


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The Britney Spears doll - with real crotch-flashing action
This is a real product


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The complete induction certemony for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame


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Conan and Jim Carrey Talk Quantum Physics


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Chris Rock tries a new direction
"In Chris Rock's new film, he plays a mustachioed, bespectacled banker. He's often funny, but just as often serious and self-examining. It's a realistic film adapted from the 1972 French classic 'Chloe in the Afternoon.'"


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Today is 3.14 - Pi Day


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The Simpsons vs UPS
"Bart and Lisa scam a delivery service out of enough boxes to build a castle in their back yard. A battle ensues when the company wants their boxes back."


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Family Guy: Peter And Bill Clinton Get High


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SCARLETT FEVER ON B'WAY
"In a few weeks, Sher will audition opera singers to play de Becque, the South Seas plantation owner who falls in love with Forbush during World War II. Dimitri Hvorovstovsky, the hunky Russian tenor, is a likely candidate. Physically, the white-haired tenor would pair very well with the blonde Johansson. "They want the leads to be sexy," says a production source. "This is not going to be a stodgy old production of 'South Pacific.'"

Well,, it will definitely be a different version of South Pacific if Emile de Beq is a young tenor! This would be roughly equivalent to casting a white tenor to sing "Ol' Man River" in Showboat. Emile de Beq is a middle-aged man and was originally played by Ezio Pinza - a basso profundo!

Well, ya never know, but I think the Post must have made a mistake. Perhaps they are planning to re-write the character and the music, but I think it's more likely that they are considering the hunky tenor for the other male lead, the ... er ... hunky young tenor - (He sings "Younger than Springtime.")


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Looking for a different kind of vacation? A three-word travel tip from your Uncle Scoopy: Surfing the Amazon
I hope you're not a beginner. It's tough to stay up amid all the waste and debris carried by a flood, but it's really not wise to fall off your board because the piranhas can be ornery, or so reported the late "Cowabunga" Roberts.


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Man tells cops unicorn caused crash
But the best part of the story is that the unicorn wasn't just wandering in front of his car. The unicorn was driving!

"A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post - it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said."

He also added: "I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but unicorns are kick-ass." (See clip below if you don't get the profound literary allusion.)



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Head, liver mistakenly mailed to horrified Michigan couple
The best part of the story: they opened the SECOND package. Yup. They received two packages with everything labelled in Chinese. They opened the first one and it contained a human liver. So they naturally figured, "OK, that was a mistake, but the other one might really be for us. Maybe we won the Chinese version of Publisher's Clearing House"


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Paris Hilton breast update
The latest buzz is over whether she had 'em enhanced. Patience, my droogies. It's only a matter of time before she falls out of her blouse. I give it until Saturday.


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Headline of the day goes to China Daily: (I love this site. They make The Guardian look like better fact-checkers than the Northwestern Debate Team) "Man, carrying pants, reports toilet robbery"


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Hillary Clinton Tries To Woo Voters By Rescinding Candidacy
""Just two months ago, I promised that I'd listen to every voice through my town hall meetings, web chats, and trips to communities across the country," said Clinton, whose opponents have accused her of being out of touch with average voters. "America, you spoke clearly and with conviction—and I listened. And so I say to you today: Let the conversation end."


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Rate the American Idol Season 6 Performances
"Who gave the best performance? Who gave the worst? Watch and rate each performance by clicking on the links below."


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"Possible Fallen Angel In Catalonia (Spain)"
"Strange creature found in a Spanish forest (near the town of Campdeva)."

My guess: a promotion for La Bruja de Blair Dos


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