Thursday, March 22, 2007

Transcript of Al Qaeda Supervillain Khalid Sheikh Mohammad's Confessing Responsibility for 9/11, Pearl Harbor and Cancer


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Here's something I'll bet you didn't know (not a gag): The Portuguese discovered Australia


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Jenna Fischer gets naked for the cover of "Wired" (sorta)


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Phil de Vellis, aka ParkRidge47: I Made the "Vote Different" Ad
Of course his intentions were to help the candidate he prefers, but politics and media are far more complicated than he imagines. Barack's one and only chance to become President is to convince the American public that he is not "politics as usual," and that he is above all the usual petty squabbling - truly Presidential. In his personal efforts he has stayed perfectly on his message. But this attack ad against a fellow Democrat was far from his strategy.

Indeed, the creator of the ad accomplished exactly the opposite of what he intended. He says, "The specific point of the ad was that Obama represents a new kind of politics." What the ad actually accomplished was to make Obama seem like just another political hack willing to resort to negative campaigning.

I suppose that the anarchy of the new media will embolden the grassroots, and ultimately force major changes in the way campaigns are managed (or not managed). It seems that the candidates will have less and less control over their own images. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe not.


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Hillary 1984 video backfires - Hillary gains, Obama loses.
More than 2/3 of Dems say they are not influenced at all. 21% are more likely to favor Hillary. Only 7% are now more inclined to favor Obama.

I don't like to say I told you so, but ... Oh, wait, I DO like to say I told you so. This is precisely why I thought it was created by the GOP - it gets out a negative message on Hillary while making Obama seem offensive and imprudent.

Yes, I know I was wrong about who created it, but I didn't think an Obama supporter would be dumb enough to think that ad would have a positive effect on the public perception of Obama. If Obama is going to win, his position needs to be that he's the guy who is truly Presidential, and can stand above all that puerile political negativism and puffery.


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Yesterday's best Late Night Political Jokes
"With the fired lawyers controversy here in the United States showing no signs of abating, President Bush gave an impromptu press conference in the White House's Diplomatic Reception Room. Presumably because the Petulant Tantrum Room was booked." --Jon Stewart

"The White House is adamant that its advisers retain the right, if they so choose, to lie ... without consequence. It's executive privilege. ... If Karl Rove knew he'd one day be forced to testify under oath about the advice he gave the president, he'd have to limit that advice to things that weren't shameful, illegal, or spectacularly bone-headed" --John Oliver

"Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital because of discomfort in one of his legs. Apparently, he hurt it while jumping for joy when he saw how high gas prices were." --Jay Leno

"This week marks the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. To which former President Bill Clinton said today, 'I can't think of any sadder anniversary, except my own'" --Jay Leno


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"I saw President Clinton recently when he spoke on the challenges of globalization and every person in that titty bar was spellbound."


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Britney is once again at large.
Still no underpants, but now she has a doggie there instead of a pussy. Or something.


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David Letterman's top ten questions to ask yourself before ordering that new thousand-dollar pizza.
"How much for a large?"


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The worst accents in screen history
They did a good job in general (Costner, Keanu, Dick Van Dyke, etc), missing only two real classics that I can think of: Marlon Brando in Teahouse of the August Moon, and Alan Cumming in Goldeneye.


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15 old comic book panels which have become funny because of changes in language.
Well worth a look. This guy put a lot of thought into this, and culled through a lot of material.


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Apocalypse Now - theatrical end credits
From the person who loaded the video: "When Apocalypse Now played theatres in 1979, it had an eyepopping set of psychedelic end credits showing the destruction of the Kurtz compound. In most video releases, the credits show over a black screen (with the same eerie music), because director Francis Coppola removed the visuals, concerned that the audience would think that Willard ordered the compound destroyed after he left, and he wanted to keep it ambiguous. This is original sequence in full (minus the onscreen credit text). They were probably THE greatest end credits of all time ... I saw it several times theatrically in 1979 and the entire audience always stayed thru the credits to the very end, something pretty rare. I think we were also too stunned from the film to move. "


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The way Spock's funeral should have ended


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Somebody managed to film an actual scene from my last wedding and I didn't even know it!


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A (Not So) Complete History of TV Theme Songs Sung By Cast Members
Robert Horton sang the theme song of A Man Called Shenandoah. and quite well.


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The Newport News state-of-the-art fire boat sank Wednesday, still tied up at a dock and without ever being put to use.


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"Manny Grill" removed from eBay as bidding neared ... (moves pinky to lips) ... 100 million dollars


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Does Helton have any gas left in the tank?
He spent the off-season working out and adding 25 pounds of muscle.

In the portion of last year after the All-Star break, Helton hit five homers, including none in his last 70 at bats - and that's playing half of his games in Coors. And Coors was about all he had the last five years. Here are his road stats for those seasons:

In 2006: 7 homers, 30 RBI

In 2005: 7 homers, 27 RBI.

In 2004: 11 homers, 36 RBI.

In 2003: 10 homers, 45 RBI.

In 2002, 12 homers, 44 RBI.

So over the past five seasons he's averaged nine homers and 36 RBI on the road. Coors has helped his entire career, of course. If he had played his career in a neutral park, his average season would be .294 with 25 homers and 87 RBI per 162 games. In Coors, his average per 162 games is .371 with 39 homers and 138 RBI. Helton has slugged .676 at Coors, .507 on the road.

That's no misprint. Coors really has that big an impact. Larry Walker's stats are almost identical. In Coors, per 162 games: .381, 41 homers, 141 RBI. On the road: .278, 27 homers, 92 RBI. In Walker's career, he slugged .710 at Coors, .495 on the road, .518 in Montreal. In Coors, Walker's lifetime stats are about equal to Babe Ruth's (Ruth's lifetime OPS was 1.164. Walker is 1.172 at Coors). Outside of Coors, he's a statistical dead ringer for Fred Lynn.


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Squeaky-voiced local sports yokel lectures Vince McMahon on good taste


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Colbert a no-show at Oshawa's Colbert Day
Hockey legend Don Cherry called Colbert a leftie pinko. "He's the guy who started all this and then didn't even have the guts to show up."

It's my theory that Colbert was there. He just showed up under an assumed name so he could win the prize in the Colbert lookalike contest.


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Politics gives one the crazies!
At 12:17, Atlantic Monthly's Andrew Sullivan blogged that Edwards' withdrawal from the race showed that he "has the right priorities and values to be a President of the United States"

22 minutes later, faced with the fact that Edwards did NOT withdraw as expected (and therefore had the wrong priorities to be President, per the previous post!), Sullivan declares Edwards to be doing a public service and "the campaign should go on!"

Here's a tip for you youngsters who want to be spin doctors: you need to know the facts before you can spin them properly! (And hope that the guy you support doesn't do what you condemned last time, Tony Snow.)


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This time it's Nicky Hilton exposed - in public in see-thru panties.


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Puppy or chicken? You decide.


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The incredible accuracy of astrology: William Shatner and Marcel Marceau share today's birthday.
Shatner has done more than enough talking for both of them.


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Fertility Clinic Sued Over Too-Dark Baby
That headline is misleading. The color of the baby's skin made the couple suspicious enough to get DNA testing which showed that the man was not the biological father, and that is what caused the lawsuit. Their lawyer, like all lawyers today, is named Howard Stern.


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Tigger socks at center of dress-code lawsuit
"When she showed up at a Napa middle school wearing hosiery that portrayed the 'Winnie the Pooh' character -- in violation of the school's solid-colors-only, no-pictures, no-logos dress code -- the seventh-grader landed in the principal's office, and then in a detention program called Students With Attitude Problems."


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Stalker Hid In Woman's Attic
Here's Uncle Scoopy's tip for you youngsters: smoking and stalking don't mix


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"Want to reach pig professionals worldwide?" ... PigProgress.net
One of the oddest professional/trade websites ever


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Dazzling new images reveal the 'impossible' on the Sun
"Everything we thought we knew about X-ray images of the Sun is now out of date"


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Pop Culture Palace is updated with the top five songs of 1962
and more ... top artists, top groups, top records, etc.


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"A man landed in hot water after police say he hid a tiny camera in a shampoo bottle to watch two of his female roommates as they took showers."


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France opens secret UFO files covering 50 years
"The online archives, which will be updated as new cases are reported, catalogues in minute detail cases ranging from the easily dismissed to a handful that continue to perplex even hard-nosed scientists."


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La Russa found asleep at wheel, charged with DUI
"St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on a drunken driving charge after police said they found him asleep inside his running sport utility vehicle at a stop light."


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Criminal mastermind of the day.
A thief in western Germany tried to jimmy open an apartment door lock by running his credit card along it. But the card snapped in two, and the half with his account details on it landed inside the apartment. The thief ran away when the occupant woke up, but the victim was able to call police and give them his name and credit card number. The cops went to his house, where they found the other half of the card sitting on his kitchen table.


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11% of Americans say they have experienced or witnessed an exorcism, when the devil or evil spirits are driven out of a person.


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La Lohan finds God
God resolves to find a better hiding place


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Scientists find an organism which has not had sex in a hundred million years.
It wasn't that hard to find. The scientists just held a Star Wars film festival.


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"Serving at His Pleasure: America's 10 horniest presidents"
We had seven presidents hornier than JFK?


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A federal judge strikes down a 1998 U.S. law that makes it a crime for commercial Web site operators to let children access "harmful" material.
"Perhaps we do the minors of this country harm if First Amendment protections, which they will with age inherit fully, are chipped away in the name of their protection"


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Confusing story of the day: GEORGE CLOONEY OFFERED LEAD IN LIBERACE BIOPIC
We're not the only ones baffled. Clooney doesn't know what to make of it either, and suggested that they call Robin Williams.


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Old Shatner and young Shatner to co-exist on Boston Legal


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Report: All Charges Against Duke Lacrosse Players to Be Dropped Soon


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Kurt Russell's comment on the remake of Escape from New York: "Fuck that! I am Snake Plissken!"
Well said! Glad to see he didn't pussyfoot around the issue.


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Marvel's Civil War series re-dubbed


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Penelope Cruz & Charlize Theron - Lesbian Play from Head in the Clouds


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Jenna Jameson offers an explanation for her weight loss


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The Bacon, Cheese and Beer Dog
"A hot dog and a heart attack in one convenient package"


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Jeremy Irons mock infomercial for Looney Tunes Classics


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"Billboards for the upcoming movie Captivity, which feature Elisha Cuthbert in situations like abduction, confinement, torture, and death, have been labeled as taboo."
"As a result, the ads have been pulled and apologies have been made"


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Eddie Murphy to Star in a big-screen version of Fantasy Island
This is a real story, not a gag. I assume he'll play both Mr Rourke and Tattoo


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The complete KIM KARDASHIAN sex tape

Part 1

Part 2


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ROTTEN TOMATOES: This Week's Movies
There are six new wide releases this week. So far the only one with solid reviews is Reign Over Me, the male bonding film with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle


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