Tuesday, April 03, 2007

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 01/17/76: Citizen Kane II
Possibly the greatest live SNL skit ever, written by the mad genius, Michael O'Donoghue


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Nancy Pelosi in a hijab in Damascus


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Keith Richards has acknowledged snorting his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.
I know it sounds like fake news, but this appears to be the real deal.

Keith also said, "I was No. 1 on the 'who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list"


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"Lacey Hindman, 22, was a victim of 'negligent dancing,' says her lawyer."
It's a good thing I got old and gave up the music clubs before you could get sued for incompetent dancing. I would have been spending my entire life in court.


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ROTTEN TOMATOES: Movies opening this week
To date: Grindhouse 87% (Tarantino-Rodriguez), The Hoax 100% (Gere movie directed by Lasse Hallstrom), The Reaping 0% (Hillary Swank in a supernatural thriller)

David Morrisey is Swank's co-star in The Reaping, and was Sharon Stone's co-star in last year's Razzie champ, Basic Instinct 2. Quite a track record of bad movies for the lad. He's trying to be the Bryan Brown for a new generation!


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Cocaine: it does a body good.
Big picture of Kate Moss nekkid.


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The latest 9-11 conspiracy theorist: Mr. Big from Sex and the City
Normally, I get all my policy positions from celebrities, but in this case I have decided to hold off until Carrot Top finishes his White Paper.


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The Weekend Warrior's box office analysis for the upcoming weekend
He thinks that Grindhouse will do only $26 million, which surprises me. My kids and my niece are counting the hours on this one.

Two family films will be released on Wednesday. The stronger one is Ice Cube's Are We Done Yet?

A new supernatural thriller film starring Hillary Swank opens Thursday. Swank has always made quite good choices for her projects. This seems to be an exception.

There's a fifth movie this week, but it is only in 400 theaters: Richard Gere's portrayal of Clifford Irving, the guy who wrote the phony Howard Hughes biography. Given that it's from Miramax and stars Gere, it's surprising to see such minimal distro. Not sure why.


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Tehran Closes in on Hostage Record


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Warren Beatty is so vain he probably thinks that song is about him.
He's so vain he probably thinks this post is about him. Oh. Wait ...


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Dita von Teese is in the April 2007 Penthouse
All kidding aside, I thought they stopped publishing Penthouse! Shows how little I know.


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Heath Ledger says he has a "new take" on The Joker
It involves a cowboy hat and some serious sodomy.


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Kiki broke up with her last boyfriend because he wouldn't fuck her


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Hollywood March Madness ... Championship Match: Brit v. Jacko
Britney had a fairly easy route to the finals, but Jacko is battle-hardened after winning a bracket which included such famous lunatics as Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie easily knocked out Kramer and Mad Max, but finally lost a close one to Jacko in the semis.

(Naomi Campbell and Russell Crowe were not in the tournament)


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President's Uproariously Gut-Busting Standup Routine to the 2007 White House Correspondents' Dinner
"Me and Laura is real happy to be back at the Radio and TV Correspondents' dinner. What a sweet tradition this is: the one day where you sleaze merchant media Jewboys and us corrupt government sociopaths can kick back a few Jägers and mix some insincere self-deprecation with vicious, deadly serious insults masquerading as comedy."


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"A spokesman for Sweden's royals has confirmed that American preacher Rev Fred Phelps has been faxing hate messages to them."
"You're doomed to spend eternity in hell," Phelps is alleged to have said in one of the fax messages. "All you Swedes and your Swedish king and his family."

I believe Phelps made an error there. He meant to say: "All you Swedes and your Swedish king and his SWEDISH family."


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Reggie Bush Banned From Playboy Mansion?
" "Our spies tell us former USC tailback Reggie Bush is persona non grata at the Playboy Mansion because of a conduct violation. And no, it was nothing involving a Playmate."


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And the survey said: Zurich Has The Best Quality of Life, Baghdad The Worst
Auckland rates as the best in "Asia-Pacific."

Minneapolis rates the best of the cities in the contiguous 48.


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Purdue makes another top five list!
The MPAA revealed that Purdue is #5 in movie piracy. They are also #2 in music piracy! The dean's comment, "Yarr, Jim-lad! Shiver me timbers."

The top movie piracy school is Columbia


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One scary-ass roller coaster
It's at Cedarpoint in Sandusky, Ohio, and the waits can be as long as four or five hours for this ride. The park has something like 16 other roller coasters as well.


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Sarah Silverman in Way of the Gun


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The Three Amigos - My Little Buttercup


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Sad Kermit's MySpace page
"Soon after the death of Jim Henson, Kermit the Frog turned to a life full of drugs, alcohol and sex. His fall to rock-bottom was quick and unrelenting. These songs document Kermit's pain during these years ... and years to come"


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What an asshole!
"Shoppers at Westridge Mall got up close and personal with a vital body part. Friday night, they had the chance walking inside a colon, blown-up to gigantic proportions. Visitors to the colon picked up stickers that said: 'I survived the Super Colon.'"


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Schools refuse gifts of 'boring' classics
"Dozens of schools have rejected gifts of free classic books because today's pupils find them too 'difficult' to read, it has emerged. Around 50 schools have refused to stock literary works by the likes of Jane Austen, William Shakespeare and Charles Dickens after admitting that youngsters also find them boring."

The titles include Jane Eyre, Middlemarch, Oliver Twist and Lord of the Rings.

I guess I can't really laugh at this. I have to admit that when I was student teaching 11th grade in the Bronx, I did toss out Ethan Frome and Moby Dick without asking the department chairman's permission..


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Soon to be a movie with Michael Rapaport: Bonnie and Klutz blow their dough
The pair demanded the staff member hand over a black plastic bag, which they believed contained the restaurant's takings. However, the bag actually held leftover bread rolls, which the staff member was planning to feed to his chickens.

Restaurant general manager Horst Lantzsch said the bandits then demanded the staff member's car keys. As the staff member handed over the car keys, the shotgun discharged, wounding the woman in the stomach.


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"Dog bites man" story of the day: Italian becomes the official language of Italy


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"Me and my friend Mumbles built this Giant NES in about 3 weeks. 8 ft long, 3ft wide, and 3ft high and weighs in around 350-400 lbs."


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Jenna Jameson gets a designer twat, is not happy with the result.


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Gators win without breaking a sweat.
After watching these guys the last two weeks, I am reminded of Yogi Berra's 1963 comment about Koufax. Asked if he was surprised to hear that Koufax was 25-5, Yogi said "I can see how he won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."

Same logic applies to the Gators. How did hell did they lose five?

By the way, Yogi was right to be impressed. Koufax pitched two complete games against the Yanks in that Series, with a 1.50 ERA. Of course, his ERA was three times as high as that of his teammates. Koufax looked like a weekend warrior compared to Drysdale and Podres, who give up only one run between them! That series was the most complete humiliation in Yankee history. Maris and Berra each batted .000 in the series in part-time roles. Mantle played full-time, but hit only .133. The Yankees as a team batted only .171 and scored only four runs in four quick losses.


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Courtney Love: "I had surgery to look natural"


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"How did the Muppets end up covering a song from a Swedish porn film?"
The original version, called "Mah Nà Mah Nà" was written by the prolific film composer Piero Umiliani as part of the soundtrack for a softcore pornographic movie.


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George Washington's Whiskey Distillery and Gristmill at Mount Vernon
Father of his country, and its moonshine


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Man Jailed for Having Deadly TB
"Though Daniels' confinement is extremely rare, health experts say it is a situation that U.S. public health officials may have to confront more and more because of the spread of drug-resistant TB and the emergence of diseases such as SARS and avian flu in this increasingly interconnected world."


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"A guy falls off the ladder on a live QVC infomercial."


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