Saturday, March 06, 2010
In the meantime, the new posts are here, in a temporary location:
Friday, March 05, 2010
"People who shouldn't sing "Cherry Bomb" while writhing around on the floor: The Queen Mum, Martha Stewart, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Mario Batali, and Dakota Fanning."
Should Carla Bruni have worn a bra?
Ah, the French! Forever discussing the great philosophical issues.
Correct answer: she should not wear a bra or any other clothing. Next question ...
GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club
"In other news, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin offered this appraisal of her standup comedy performance on The Tonight Show: 'I was like, I'm not going to quit my day job, but then I remembered I already did.'"
"I Had 14 Women In One Night"
Before you try to get cash for your gold, read this.
If The Space Invaders Movie is Faithful to the Game | Cracked.com
6 Historic Acts of Revenge That Put Kill Bill to Shame | Cracked.com
Are Strip Clubs the Reason Bad Mainstream Rock is a Chart Staple?
A Police Academy remake is on the way
How to understand late-period Steve Martin.
SEC charges "America's prophet" with fraud
SEC official: "Morton's self-proclaimed psychic powers were nothing more than a scam."
Oh, that SEC - brilliantly calculating that a psychic is a fraud. Can you slip nothing past their vigilant gaze?
He's already swindled more than 100 investors. I guess the feds had to move slowly because, after all, he might have been a real psychic.
Shouldn't be too hard to convict the guy. If he were a real psychic he would now be snorkeling in the Maldives, having foreseen the feds at the door.
Wait a minute - I may have spoken too soon on that Maldives thing ... "Morton couldn't be located Thursday for comment, and there were no phone numbers publicly listed in the area where he is said to reside."
20 Film Scenes Recreated Using Toys
Favre promises an even more tearful retirement ... IF he retires (scratches fingers with the "moola" gesture).
I propose a national cry-off: Glenn Beck vs. Favre vs. that "Leave Britney Alone" dude.
At last something to cheer us up during the global financial crisis: a yacht that doubles as an island
I already ordered all five because if one yacht is Scoopy Island, then five is Scoopy Archipelago, and a personal archipelago has always been my dream.
Spicoli Hopes His Critics "Die Of Rectal Cancer"
Gosh, he seems like such a nice man. Truly a gentle spirit.
The 15 Hottest Actresses You Will NEVER See Naked on Film
Never say never. It all depends on their career trajectories. Ten years ago Angie Everhart was playing the wholersome card ala Alba and said she would never do a nude scene. Five years later she was doing cheesy grade-Z softcore sex scenes. And that wasn't even for megabucks. Throw multi millions at them and they may tend to reconsider. Of the ones listed here, you can bet that Christina Applegate will never do nudity for a tragic reason. Anything else is negotiable.
The Cast of Jersey Shore Shows the World Its Brilliance
Tom Hanks is Confused, Hilarious as News Analyst
Jon Stewart and Friends Use Chatroulette on The Daily Show
"Tonight, Jon Stewart finally - and hilariously - jumped on the Chatroulette bandwagon. Stewart mocked the media's obsession with the Internet's newest fad, before trying it out himself—and running into Diane Sawyer, Keith Olbermann, Katie Couric, Brian Williams and more."
More of Gaga with her butt hanging out
"Whale that killed its trainer at SeaWorld 'must be stoned to death', says American religious group"
"We're gonna need a bigger stone."
I support them. I believe that they should be allowed to stand on the edge of his pool and throw stones at him. That process will also help them understand a little more about Darwin, specifically how the concept of "survival of the fittest" operates in nature.
Cop Out, as excoriated by The Filthy Critic
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think he liked it:
"I don't care how many orifices you have, Cop Out will fuck you in all of them. Your ass, mouth, nostrils, between your toes. You got pierced ears? Expect to find director Kevin Smith's dick in them before you get out of the theater. Doing that requires a shitload more accuracy and effort than he put into this monumentally lazy, bowel-voiding turd of a movie. Don't pay money to see it. Treat it as my first-grade teacher had the other students treat me when I wet my pants in class: put it in the corner, ignore it and denigrate it until it goes away in shame.
"Toward the end of the movie there is a shootout at a bad guy's house that is, apparently taking place at night. Or so it would seem from the outside. Yet, inside, the bad guy is terrorizing a woman while sunlight streams through a window behind him. That sort of gaffe is almost understandable, though, since Cop Out has no sense of time. A scene during the day suddenly turns to night, or vice versa, a couple of times without a dusk or dawn or any indication of the time of day. In a motel room scene where it looks like Bruce Willis is trying to escape the movie, he stands by the door for a long time. The latch behind him magically goes from closed to open back to closed. This isn't a fucking Ed Wood movie. This is a piece of shit Warner Brothers expects us to pay $10 a head to see. Yet nobody could fix shit like this? Or, rather, no editor, director or producer cared to? Fuck all of them."
I could go on and on about the shitty laziness and incompetence of Cop Out: the by-the-single-digit-numbers direction; the awkward pauses; the gaffes; and the labored, drawn-out dialog. Hopefully, though, you get the point. That is, this is one fucking shitty piece of crap that needs to be ignored and shamed until it goes away. I can only hope it puts the final nail in the crummy career of the fat-ass, under-talented and over-persistent hack Kevin Smith. He's a fucking blight."
I haven't seen it. For the record, it scores 19% on the Tomatometer and Roger Ebert gave it 1.5 stars. Ebert said:
"If you combine the enthusiasms of a geek with the toilet humor of a third grader, you'll be pretty close to defining the art of Kevin Smith. When the muse visits him, Smith gets inspired and makes fun movies. Alas, "Cop Out" is not one of those movies. "Cop Out" tells your standard idiotic story about buddy cops who screw up, get suspended by the captain and redeem themselves.
A lot of the dialogue is intended as funny, but man, is it lame. Many of the gags possibly looked good on paper, but watching Willis and Morgan struggle with them is like watching third graders do Noel Coward, if Noel Coward had been rewritten by Kevin Smith."
Scoop's note: Kevin did not write the film. You can blame him for other things, but if the writing sucks you have to blame two guys named Mark and Robb Cullen.
Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily
"Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics." Jay Leno
"Scientists in Britain have developed a new camera that can identify a terrorist by the shape of their nose. Yeah, it's all part of the new technology called 'racism.'" Jimmy Fallon
"A new report found that a line of cocaine is now cheaper than a cup of coffee. Although, if you're choosing to snort coke instead of drinking coffee in the morning, it was never really about the money, was it?" Jimmy Fallon
Keeley Hazell And Her Perfect Boobs
Amazing photos of the Japanese Raid on Pearl Harbour (60 Pics)
Thursday, March 04, 2010
The Gospel Hoedown: "Gonna rub Jesus' body down with oil"
"I dare you to watch and not be entertained by its awesomeness."
Director Threatens to Sue Variety Over "Oscar Shakedown Scheme"
Genius scientists find that people will do worse things if they feel that nobody can see them
Vikki Blows Topless on German TV
For the record, Blows is her last name.
I know. I know.
iowahawk guest commentary from a supervillain: Your Money or Your Government
Driver "distracted" by woman crashes into Idaho home
And by "distracted" they mean he was fuckin' 'er.
Your 3rd Grade Science Textbook As Written by Gary Busey | Cracked.com
6 Famous Fictional Wise Men Who Were Totally Full of Shit | Cracked.com
The Academy Awards | by Cracked.com
"Every year, Hollywood dances around and pretends that it cares about art and then, come summer, they greenlight a $100 million Weekend at Bernie's remake starring Amy Adams and Optimus Prime."
Neil Patrick Harris will star in Smurfs: the Movie
Perhaps because he has spent a lot of time in airline toilets.
(He won't actually be playing a Smurf, if you really care.)
Top 15 Most Bizarre Bingo Heist Fails
"When you think of major gambling heists, most people will imagine the action scenes from Ocean 11 with criminals striking big Vegas style casinos. However there has been a rising trend in career criminals planning heists that target bingo halls."
"In "special detentions," the children are forced to endure two hours of classical music."
And if that doesn't work? The comfy chair!!!
"A Federal grand jury is about to indict John Edwards," per the Enquirer
Dermot Mulroney will star in a Rockford Files update
Cancel that NBC funeral. Happy days are here again.
In other words, it will be a detective show about a guy with a completely different personality from Jim Garner, but they will call him Jim Rockford to suck in a few visitors. And maybe he'll make a guest appearance on The Marriage Ref.
Heyman Hustle Gallery - Top 50 pics of Stacy Keibler